Ask jessica – Readers Request jessica’s Advice

I feel like my boyfriend and I always have the “same sex”. I don’t want to get bored with him. What can I do to change up our sex life?

–Amanda; Boston, MA

 

Hi Amanda, it’s great you want to amp up your sex life! There are plenty of ways, big and small, to change things up.

One way to heat up the bedroom is to extend the foreplay well beyond the four walls. Text naughty love notes during the day while you both are at work, or consider slipping a pair of your panties into a pocket of his clothes or briefcase for him to find. It will ensure you’re on his mind throughout the day – anticipation building until he can get home and rip your clothes off.

Another way to turn up the heat is to try having sex somewhere new and risqué, like the kitchen counter or head out to dinner, and make a quick exit to the restaurant bathroom. Remember sex doesn’t have to be in the bedroom!

Continue to try new things and talk about your fantasies with each other. Whether it’s striptease, role-playing, or S&M, decide what you’re both comfortable with and take it from there.

Switching up your positions can also make a huge difference and provide a bit of new excitement between the two of you. For some easy tips, check out jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex:Basic Positions.

xo,

jd

 

My husband wants to watch porn while we are having sex. I don’t know if I feel comfortable with him watching another girl, while he’s making love to me. What should I do?

–Michelle; Denver, CO

 

Michelle, first of all, when it comes to sex, if there is anything you are uncomfortable doing, DON’T! A man who loves you won’t force you into anything you’re not ready for. However, if you are open to meeting him halfway, try picking out a soft-core adult film you feel comfortable watching together. Make sure to discuss your comfort zone and what your do not cross line is.

Since you feel uncomfortable with your hubby watching porn while you are in the act of having sex, consider turning the film off after foreplay, once things have heated up. Setting boundaries you are both comfortable with is the only way to go.

xo,

jd

CNN Feature

Over half a year ago, a photographer and writer from CNN first met with me on set for a story they were doing on Measure B. We met several more times over the months, and the story grew into a profile piece on my career. I’m excited to say the article and pictorial are now up on CNN, and they came out great!

http://cnnphotos.blogs.cnn.com/2013/07/07/a-lover-and-a-fighter-the-life-of-a-porn-star/

Hope you enjoy it too.

xo,
jd

Underneath It All: A Men’s Guide to Buying Lingerie

“You’re really lovely

Underneath it all

You want to love me

Underneath it all”

– No Doubt

 

One of the most rewarding things about creating Guide to Wicked Sex has been serving in Wicked’s overall outreach to couples beyond the traditional retail home video marketplace. We’ve joined the Wicked Sensual Care Collection of luxurious lubricants and enhancers & our romance-driven Wicked Passions DVDs in representing the brand in many places that don’t carry traditional adult DVDs.

 

Sensual lingerie represents another retail environment that’s proven receptive to adult branding. Not surprisingly, I’ve seen an increase in the number of men looking for tips on what to look for when trying to gift their lover with something simultaneously sexy, stylish and comfortable.

 

A healthy theme I’ve seen in these conversations is a desire to flatter and empower their partners while indulging the senses.  As in most areas in life, form serves function here, and any serious search should start with the big questions: Will it be flattering? Will it fit comfortably? And, most importantly, will she FEEL sexy wearing it?

 

At this point, you’ve made notes of her sizes and measurements, and you’ve kept an eye out for preferred fabrics like silk or satin for panties, etc. (I’ll point out here that if circumstances prevent you from being able to get this information, chemises, robes and other nightwear tend to use traditional S, M, L, and  XL sizing, and probably represent your best bets.)

 

Of course, while you were looking in your partner’s underwear drawer for bra and underwear sizes, you also made a note of what they didn’t have; see, if there’s a “master key” to lingerie guidance, this is it: If you step outside her comfort zone, the message sent says more about you than her. You can stay in the zone yet still bring a fresh look to the table by exploring different color schemes or a variation on a style you know she loves.

 

Speaking of colors, feel free to explore a variety of hues; men tend to gravitate toward black, but earn yourself the psychic currency that comes with showing her you pay attention to what she wears throughout her week, and choose accordingly. Similarly, indulge her tastes with some sexy accessories! I have a passion for gloves, and from fishnet arm warmers to lace opera gloves, they provide indispensable and inexpensive ways to make good ensembles great!

 

With both lingerie and accessories, today’s diverse and forward-thinking marketplace offers numerous PETA-approved, “cruelty free” options. With gloves, for example, a pair of beautiful elbow-length pleather opera gloves can be purchased for under $20.00. And in the post-GMO culture in which we live, it’s probably wise to go with the most “organic” fabric choices for lingerie. Silk never goes out of style and, like cotton, it “breathes” and is gentle to the touch.

 

And that’s ultimately what it’s about, isn’t it – gentleness. Stay within our lover’s literal comfort zones by following the master key and easy tips above, and you’ll be “underneath it all” in no time!

 

–Daniel M.

An Introduction to Sex Toys

There are thousands of sex toys for sale, some as small as a quarter, and some as big as a person.  If you attempt to purchase a sex toy without some basic knowledge, you may find yourself quickly overwhelmed.  With all the different types, I could write a book on sex toys – and maybe some day I will – but for now, this blog serves to give you an overview of the general categories of sex toys and help you find what works for you.

 

Vibrators – Vibrators are probably what most people think of when they hear “sex toy”.  While the common image is of a slender phallic shape, vibrators are any toys designed to stimulate the body, which is battery operated or electrical.  Sub categories of vibrators include Penetrative, Wands, Bullet, Anal, G-Spot, Rabbits, and even Alarm Clock.

  • Penetrative vibrators are usually phallic shaped and meant for internal stimulation.
  • Wands, like the Hitachi and Body Wand, are larger and meant for external stimulation.
  • Bullets are the smallest vibrators and can be used directly, especially for clitoral stimulation, or inserted into another toy.
  • Anal vibrators can be designed for women or men, and are inserted into the rectum.
  • A curve in G-spot vibrators allows it to better stimulate the female G-spot, while the male equivalent may have the same shape to stimulate the male prostate.
  • Rabbits combine penetrative vibrators with an external stimulator like a bullet.  The external portion of the original Rabbits were shaped like the animal with its ears producing the clitoral stimulation.
  • Proving people will think of anything, Alarm Clock vibrators wake users up in the most enjoyable way.

 

Penetrative Toys – Demonstrating the overlap in a lot of these categories, penetrative toys may include several types of vibrators.  The most common types of penetrative toys are dildos.  There is a lot of confusion between dildos and vibrators – some vibrators can be used as dildos, but dildos are not vibrators because dildos don’t have motors and are only used for penetration.  Additional penetrative toys include double penetration dildos, strap-ons, kegel exercisers, horseshoes, Ben Wa balls, and fuck/sex machines.

  • Usually meant to resemble a penis, dildos don’t vibrate and are made of a silicone rubber for vaginal or anal penetration.
  • Double penetration dildos are fun on both ends and can be used on multiple holes of one person or can be shared.
  • Stap-ons are dildos or butt plugs (see Anal Toys) housed in a harness worn around the hips and pelvis for more realistic intercourse.
  • Kegel exercisers tone and delight all at the same time, building stronger pelvic muscles.
  • Horseshoe toys clearly derive its name from its horseshoe shape.  It is designed to enter the vagina and anus at the same time.
  • Ben Wa balls are hollow metal balls inserted into the vagina for extended periods of time.  Their motion leads to enhanced orgasms.
  • Fuck/sex machines became extra famous after the Northwestern University classroom demonstrations, which made national news.  These toys are generally motor-driven dildos, like a dildo mounted to the bit of a drill or end of a reciprocating saw.

 

Nipple Toys – Men and women have varying degrees of sensitivity in their nipples – some enjoy nipple stimulation, while for others it can be too intense or even painful.  For those who enjoy erotic nipple play, there are nipple clamps and suction devices.  Clamps cause arousal by providing different degrees of pressure.  Suction devices cause nipples to swell and become more sensitive.

 

Anal Toys – In addition to penetrative toys, which can be used for anal insertion, there are also several types of toys specific to anal play, including anal beads, prostate massagers, and butt plugs, all of which should be accompanied with lubrication.

  • Available in various sizes, anal beads are a strand of beads inserted and slowly removed from the anus in order to trigger strong pleasure.
  • Prostate Massagers, like popular brand Aneros, stimulate a man’s prostate, providing pleasure and health benefits.
  • Butt plugs come in a range of sizes, from very small to very large, and everything in between.  They can be used to ease into anal penetration.  Make sure you use butt plugs with a wide base to prevent it from getting stuck.

 

Male Masturbators / Penile Toys – Sometimes a hand just won’t do, and on those occasions, there is a huge variety of male masturbatory toys to choose from, as well as penile toys increasing the pleasure for both parties during sex.  Assisting in his pleasure are Synthetic Vaginas, Cock Rings, Penis Sleeve, Penis Extension, and Cock Harness.

  • Synthetic Vaginas are often referred to as pocket pussies, which are anatomically correct molds of a vagina (often from popular adult performers) and used for masturbation.  A popular variation is the Fleshlight, which I am proud to endorse.  In addition to synthetic vaginas, there are also molds of mouths and anuses for simulated intercourse as well.
  • Cock rings wrap around the shaft of the penis to help prolong an erection.  Some rings come with clitoral stimulator, which may or may not vibrate.  A triple crown is a cock ring with two additional rings for the testicles.
  • Penis sleeves are an adornment a guy can slip on to provide extra stimulation to his partner during intercourse.  Often sporting external bumps and ridges for stimulation, penis sleeves look a bit like penis armor.  A docking sleeve is similar, but open on both ends for two men to use at once – mutual masturbation.
  • Penis extensions increase the length of a man’s penis for the benefit of his partner.  It’s like a short, hollowed-out dildo.
  • Often associated with BDSM play, cock harnesses fit around the penis and scrotum and help maintain erections.

 

Dolls – Sex dolls are masturbation devices, which go beyond mere physical needs.  The anatomically correct life-size doll helps stimulate on an emotional level as well by appealing to user’s fantasies.  One of the most popular brands is RealDoll, which includes a line of several of the Wicked girls.

 

A Cautionary Note About Sex Toys:

Before we knew how harmful it was, many sex toys were made out of Jelly Latex, a substance containing polyvinyl chloride (PVC), which is toxic to your body.  Phthalates are another harmful type of chemicals used in the production of many toys.  When purchasing sex toys, it’s extremely important to make sure they are PVC-free and Phthalate-free.  Safe materials to purchase include silicone, glass, stainless steel, and Pyrex, and even though they cost a bit more money, they are worth it in the long run.

 

What provides one person with pleasure may not for another, but breathe easy because every day, new, creative ideas are being imagined and produced.  If you have yet to find the right toy(s), chances are it will be here soon… or maybe you can create it yourself.  In a future blog, I will share my 10 favorite sex toys and why I chose them.

 

xo,
jd

Sparking Conversations on Sexuality at CatalystCon East

This weekend I returned to CatalystCon for the second time – this one took place in Washington D.C./Arlington, VA. From the first evening reception to the closing keynote speech, delivered by Robert Lawrence and Carol Queen, everything was just as amazing as it was last year – maybe even more so now that I have come to know what to expect.

The conference began with a lively warm-up and social lubrication by Maria Falzone and shortly afterward, it was time for the opening keynote plenary, moderated by Tristan Taormino. I was one of the speakers, along with Dr. Mireille Miller-Young, Dr. Hernando Chaves, and Ducky Dolittle. Tristan came up with some interesting questions to get us started, and we spoke of what inspired us, the recent things we have done exemplifying our missions and commitment to change, and so much more. After we spoke, we took questions and comments from the audience, and we could tell everyone was motivated and ready for the next two days.

How can I possibly describe what came afterward? If I condensed my explanation, I’d say two days of brain-stimulating conversations, panels, introductions, and non-stop communication between sex-positive people from many walks of life. I attended panels on Sex Workers and Disability, Sex from the Trans Perspective, Polyamory, and Feminist Porn… and soaked it all in. I tried to go to completely different panels than I did at CatalystCon West, to get myself out of my familiar zone, and instead into realms where I don’t have much experience. Feminist Porn was the most crowded panel I attended, and I spent the entire time crouched down on the floor in the back of the room, shoulder to shoulder with everyone else. The aisles were full as we listened in awe to Constance Penley, Tristan Taormino, Dylan Ryan, and Sinnamon Love. Having just finished the Feminist Porn Book on the flight from LAX to DC, I was excited to hear more from these women. They did NOT disappoint. Each discussed their contributions to the book followed by an intense Q and A session lasting until the next panel came into the room.

I spoke on other panels as well – one on Measure B where I discussed the reality of the “condoms in porn” law with Tristan Taormino and Michael Fatterosi. Originally, when I was pitched the notion of this panel, I didn’t think that people would still be so concerned, or even consider it relevant. I was wrong. The audience intuitively understands it is much more than latex on film, it is a violation of our sexual rights as human beings and could echo repercussions far into the future, and far into our bedrooms.

The other panel I spoke on was Slut Shaming in a Sex Positive Community. Initially, we wondered about the interest in this topic, which isn’t frequently discussed, but it was nearly as packed as the Feminist Porn Panel.  In my background I have experienced Slut Shaming over the years in different degrees, but to hear it from everyone on the panel: Serpent, Femcar, Carol Queen, and Crysta Heart was comforting and reassuring. We opened up the discussion to audience questions and comments, and in that instant, started something that could have gone on for hours. We provoked thoughts; we started open dialogue; we may have even inadvertently started a disagreement/fight. I think it is a panel that must be repeated.

And the evening entertainment!
I went to Girl Gasms by Ducky Doolittle – Take it Like a Man with Charlie Glickman, and then surrendered my “Dirty Bingo” Virginity to Ducky loving every second up until the time I went to bed, knowing I had panels the next day.

I was also a guest on Tristan Taormino’s radio show, “Sex Out Loud,” and had an amazing conversation with one of my all-time inspirations. We also had a studio audience as we recorded, something I’m not used to with my show, but I actually really enjoyed. It was agreed we needed a part two to our discussion, and she may be on my show in the future.

One of the highlights of the weekend was getting #ccon trending on Twitter. Not only did CatalystCon have a hash tag, but each panel had an individual hash tag as well, so people who were unable to make the trip were still able to take part by following along as some of the panels were being live-tweeted by the audiences.

Again, I’m so honored to have been included in CatalystCon East, and even more honored to be included in such an amazing group of people onstage for the opening keynote speech. My sincere thanks goes out to the founder and organizer Dee Dennis, who took a risk having me appear last year, but did it anyway, and also to the notorious Girl Gang & The Evil Sluts who, along with Dee, are truly the glue collectively helping hold CatalystCon together. They also owe me some Nutella.

xo,
jd

Sex Positions for Plus Size Lovers

When I shot the second instructional in my series, I chose positions because of the number of questions I received from couples about the best ways to position their bodies to bring their partners to orgasm during sex. After Guide to Wicked Sex: Positions came out, I was besieged with questions about what positions were good for others – people with disabilities, seniors, women who are pregnant, and plus size lovers. Lovers come in so many different shapes and sizes, and many more volumes of Guide to Wicked Sex: Positions may follow accordingly. For now, I’d like to begin by suggesting a few positions that are good for our plus sized partners.

Comfort is of the utmost importance. There’s nothing worse than being close to orgasm but being in a position you can’t maintain and having a leg cramp! I suggest having sex on a comfortable surface – ideally a bed or couch – and since these places are the natural habitat of pillows, have lots of those on standby as well. Pillows make great sex enhancers for everyone, you can put them under your female lover for oral and missionary, you can use them under your stomach to prop you up, even under your knees. You can also find special sex wedges, such as The Liberator that can prop you up, and many find these are especially great for doggy.

Let’s start with missionary. With pillows underneath your hips, you are open and accessible for oral sex, and missionary style penetration as well. If you pull your knees into your chest, you are more open for deeper penetration. A great way to modify this is to lay on your back, pillows under hips, pulling your knees up towards your chest, and have your man lay on his side as he enters you, your bodies forming a cross. You can also put your legs down over him to free up your hands for some clitoral action.

Lots of people love doggy, but for some with more rear cushioning, getting the depth of penetration you need can be a challenge. Start here, but then bring your leg/knee up towards your chest, and lean to the opposite side – doggy with one hip higher than the other. Often, this is just the right angle – and it gives your partner a chance to watch the action.

Woman on top can be an ideal position for the heavier man or woman. With the man laying on his back, mount him, and as you do, shift your weight backwards. You can brace yourself with your hands on his thighs or on the bed. Can’t quite reach? Try one of those handy pillows. Experiment with grinding back and forth versus up and down thrusting. As a variation, you can ride facing away from him, on your knees or up on your feet. Try leaning forward as you do this. You ‘ll find that with changing angles of penetration comes some very different sensations.

Complicated positions are often just not worth the effort… for anyone. Our main focus here is on comfort and ease of accessibility. Add to that communication with your lover about what works and what doesn’t, and Wickedly good sex is sure to follow.

xo,
jd

Understanding a Woman’s Orgasm

I think one of the biggest lessons to “understanding” a woman’s orgasm – whether you’re a woman and it’s yours or it’s that of your wife, girlfriend, casual fling, or one night stand – is it is something nearly impossible to truly understand. I can instruct you on how to bake the perfect cake, do a PowerPoint presentation, or drive a stick shift, but what I cannot do is give you step by step instructions on how to give your partner (or yourself, for that matter) an orgasm. Because we’re all so very different, both in anatomy and also in personal preferences, what gets one woman off simply may not work for another.

A Sex in America survey found that during intercourse, 3/4 of men reach orgasm, but only 1/3 of all women!  Other studies and surveys have found approximately 80% of the women who are orgasming are doing it from clitoral stimulation alone. Regardless of the type of orgasm, whether it’s clitoral, vaginal, g-spot, or a combination of, it’s my goal to help raise this percentage.

For men, I have three tips to offer.

1. Be confident, but not cocky. This applies to most things in life, but especially in the sexual prowess department. Your confidence she’s going to reach climax will encourage her.

2. Be persistent. There are four phases of the sexual response cycle, as explored by Masters and Johnson. The first one, excitement, encompasses foreplay. Make sure you’re doing what it takes, for as long as it takes. I have met many women who are unable to reach orgasm with their partner because they’re worried about taking too long. If your neck/mouth/fingers get tired, always have a backup plan. Switch things up… but don’t give up.

3. Be a good listener. This goes beyond the words coming out of her mouth. When you are doing something she loves, she’ll tell you… if not with her words, with her body. You’ll be able to pick up on her preferences – does she like it hard and fast? Slow and soft? More pressure or less? The answers are already there for you to find. Listen to her breathing. Watch as her toes curl. Is she pulling you in or pushing you away? Take that hint! Oh, and when she says breathlessly, ” don’t stop!”, whatever you do, DON’T STOP.

For women, I have days worth of advice, but I’ll begin with these three tips.

1. Get to know yourself. Your body is amazing. It’s unique. We don’t come with instruction manuals, so it’s up to you to do the groundwork necessary to really explore who you are sexually and what you like. Masturbate. Try things for the first time when you’re alone to alleviate any concerns you might have. When you’re comfortable, you can share them with your partner.

2. Have faith. It’s taking too long? Probably not. Women vary between the very quick 5 minutes to a leisurely half an hour… maybe more. Give yourself permission to do what you need, for as long as you need. Once you orgasm for the first time, you learn you can do it, and after that, you’ll find orgasms come easily. It’s like taking the training wheels off your bike once you get the hang of it. It’s also like the Law of Attraction… for orgasms!

3. Communicate. After you’ve experimented with what gets you in the mood, find a way to share this information with your partner. There are plenty of ways to do this – from a discussion during a dinner date to dirty talk during the act, and everything in between. Feeling adventurous? Plan a night of mutual masturbation where sex with your partner isn’t allowed. Watch each other and notice how you touch yourselves.

These hints are just the tip of the iceberg, but you’ll find in time and with practice, you’ll be on your way to understanding orgasms, and in turn, having many, many more of them.

For help of exploring your body and masturbation, try “jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex Female Masturbation.”

xo,
jd

50 Shades of Sex on Film: From Reel to Real

As I view the public’s love affair with the Fifty Shades of Grey novels, it’s becoming obvious that couples everywhere are hungry for more sexually explicit entertainment. E.L. James’ paperback trilogy chronicles the stormy sexual relationship between a young woman and a successful businessman. It’s become a marketing phenomenon, as likely to crop up on the shelves of your local Wal-Mart as it is the Hustler Store. Daring in its frankness, the series explores a broad range of sexual expression, covering everything from dominance and submission to discipline and light bondage. It’s obvious to me that the public is hungry for sexual information – and entertainment – like never before.

 

And that’s because erotic books, just like erotic films, can stimulate and inspire the sex lives of couples by introducing them to positive depictions of safe and exciting techniques and positions. And DVDs are uniquely able to stimulate desire and arousal through everything from the use of attractive performers and locations to subtle touches like seductive music, dirty talk and exotic lingerie and costumes.

 

Whether you’re exploring undiscovered territory with a new partner or looking to bring a new slant to a long-term relationship, just follow the tips below to get the most out of your experience of together.

 

The voyeuristic thrill of watching other couples making love should be just the beginning of your journey.  Let your experience be all-encompassing; in addition to sampling some of the positions you’re viewing together, let the soundtrack inspire you to become more vocal and communicative.

 

If you and your significant other are new to X-rated movies, you might want to sample our Wicked Passions DVD line. Each installment tells a warm, female-friendly story that emphasizes the importance of honesty and communication in finding happiness in the bedroom.

 

Making love is about stimulating all of the senses – seeing and hearing others having sex will excite the body physically, intellectually and emotionally. Introducing massage oils and other lubricants can allow you to heighten this experience even further and improve your partner’s comfort and sexual satisfaction. I highly recommend using the Wicked Sensual Care Collection of luxurious lubricants to enhance your intimate adventures.

 

Whether you choose to take it fast or slow, enrich your sex life and that of your lover by following these tips on your next movie night!