8 Things Married Couples Are Doing Wrong in Bed

Originally posted on *Brides.com

It’s no secret that your sex life can change after you’ve been married for a while, but you might be doing little things that affect your sex life without even realizing it. Brides details eight things that married couples are doing wrong, from getting stuck in routines to not being vocal about what they want.

“A healthy sex life is a key ingredient to a happy, loving, and lasting marriage,” says sex expert Nikki Ransom-Alfred. Yet, “after the excitement of the wedding day and settling into marriage, couples will often find that the quantity and quality of sex will take a downturn.” So what’s a married couple to do? Check out these eight things you’re likely doing wrong without even knowing it, and have fun correcting the problems beginning tonight!

You’re not doing the deed often enough.

“Sex is how you express love and desire for each other, and connects the two of you on a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual level,” Ransom-Alfred says. What’s more, when you orgasm, your brain releases dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin — the love hormone — that keeps you crazy about your guy. “Discuss with your partner how often he would like to have sex and then see how you two can compromise so that all parties are satisfied,” Ransom-Alfred suggests. Hint: The more often, the merrier you both will be.

You’re not openly discussing what you want.

“Couples are often embarrassed to discuss sex with each other, even though they have it with each other,” explains Ransom-Alfred. “Some are nervous to talk about their wants and desires for fear of being judged or turned down by the other.” Start by telling your significant other that discussion about sex and sexual desires are a safe zone. Then, “talk with each other about sex acts that you’ve always wanted to try, new sex positions, what turns you on, what turns you off, and more,” Ransom-Alfred says. “This will only enhance your sex life together and enhance your marriage overall.”

You’re playing it safe — and repetitive — when it comes to sex.

“It’s common to become so comfortable in our relationship that we neglect that we need to keep our sex lives new, fresh and exciting,” says Ransom-Alfred. “Marriage is forever, and you can’t expect to have the same kind of sex for the rest of your lives. You will indeed get bored in the bedroom and that spells trouble for the marriage.” Ransom-Alfred suggests cracking open the Kama Sutra for inspiration and new positions you could try.

You’re wearing your sweats to bed.

“We definitely need to keep it sexy in the bedroom, whether we’ve been married for two months or two decades,” insists Ransom-Alfred. “Taking the time to be appealing for your partner shows them that you really care about them, about looking good for them and about your marriage.” Make it a habit to slip into something silky when you get under the sheets. “Or wear one of his T-shirts to bed if that’s what he finds sexy,” she says. Of course, you can also go naked, too, and we doubt your husband will complain!

You’re not taking your time with foreplay.

“Discuss foreplay with your partner and ask what they like, what really gets them hot and also how long he wants foreplay,” suggests Ransom-Alfred. “Sexiness starts in the mind, so foreplay should begin well before taking your clothes off.”

You’re not spontaneous enough.

“Sex does not always have to be at night, nor does it always have to be in the bedroom,” Ransom-Alfred says. “Keep things spontaneous by surprising your partner with a sex session in the morning, in the shower while you two are getting ready, or the middle of the day.” Another tip to keep things extra-hot? “Call your spouse right before lunch and have them meet you at home for a quickie!” she suggests.

You’re not making your bedroom a pleasant place to make love.

“Many couples do not realize it, but the decor in your room will have either a positive or negative effect on your mood,” explains Ransom-Alfred. “If your bedroom looks bland and boring, you will feel the same when you enter it. Your bedroom is your sensual space, so you want to feel sensual when you walk inside of it.” Up the sex factor in your personal space by investing in fresh flowers, scented candles and plush pillows that beckon for romance.

You’re not showing enough non-sexual affection.

“While a slap on the bottom or a sexual grope is hot, be sure to still show your partner affection and love in non-sexual ways such as hugging, massaging and holding them,” advises Ransom-Alfred. That kind of physical love and affection translates outside the bedroom, and lasts until your next sex session. “The more loved a spouse feels, the more open he or she will be sexually.”

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What is Sexy?

From Merriam-Webster:

Definition of SEXY

  1. sexually suggestive or stimulating : erotic
  2. generally attractive or interesting : appealing

Examples of SEXY

  • She wore a sexy skirt.
  • Her legs are long and sexy.

First Known Use of SEXY

  • 1925

Related to SEXY

  • Synonyms: bodacious, desirable, dishy, hot, luscious, toothsome

But what IS sexy?

I posed that question on my radio show, just meaning for it to be a quick segment, but instead it turned into a whole show. I heard such a broad range of opinions, so I know I’m onto something when I say that sexy is completely subjective.

To me, sexy is that twinkle of self-confidence in someone’s eye. It’s a quiet, involuntary gasp of breath in my ear as my lover is about to orgasm. It can be a man in a three piece suit…or a woman in expensive heels and nothing else. It can even be the sound of those heels as they punctuate their approach…or their departure. These sights and sounds literally give me chills, they have a place in the masturbatory vault in my mind, always at the ready.

As much as that represents the more erotic side of sexy to me, there is also the lighter side of sexy- for me it’s the smell of clean laundry (really!), someone who can tell a good joke, and someone who can laugh heartily at one too, head thrown back, mouth wide open, a genuine laugh. Sometimes the best kind of sexy is the “accidental” kind.

What is sexy to you?