The Number One Secret to Great Sex in Happy Marriages

Originally posted on *Brides.com
Written by Fawn Weaver

The secret to great sex in happy marriages is not some mind-blowing sexual position. Rather it’s much simpler: honesty.

We’ve done it all, seen it all, and now it’s a matter of perfecting it and that can take time, practice and honesty. Unfortunately, for many women, faking an orgasm is more comfortable than simply being truthful when sex falls short of expectations.

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When it comes to happy marriages, however, trust is one of the most important things. Whether you realize it or not, faking an orgasm breaks down that trust. It is the same as lying. Albeit maybe with good intentions, but a good-intentioned lie is still a lie.

So how do you break the habit of giving an Oscar-worthy performances when your man says lights, camera, action? Here are three ways to get you started:

1. Tell him over a glass of wine Pick a time when sex is not on his mind or yours. When you’re just relaxing. Not stressed. This is important with such a touchy topic.

2. Try the hot/cold gameThe reality is some women don’t even know how to help their man please them. Our bodies are like a combination lock and for many of us, we don’t know the combo. So like Charlize Theron in The Italian Job, you might need to figure it out by touch. Allow him to kiss you in every area possible and see where your touch points are.

3. Remove the pressure to get this perfect tonight When you said I do, you said so until the end of time, right? Then let him know you’re committed to taking the time together to learn what blows his mind — and yours! Exploring your body is a lifelong process. What makes you scream (in a good way) today might put you to sleep tomorrow. Your body is constantly changing and admitting that will allow him to please you more often (and those orgasms will be for real this time).

The good news is great sex is not what creates a happy marriage. For my book, Happy Wives Club, I traveled the world interviewing couples happily married 25 years or more to discover their secrets. Guess what? Sex didn’t make the list. Not even close.

Why? Because when you are doing the most important things to make your marriage great outside of the bedroom, mind-blowing sex will naturally occur inside the bedroom (or on the kitchen counters, in the bathtub, in the closet — you get the picture).

Sharing a Sexual Fantasy with a Partner

Sexual fantasies are natural and normal. They’re emotionally and physically stimulating, and sometimes acting on these desires can be incredibly liberating.

Confessing a seemingly taboo thought to your lover can lead to greater intimacy – and exhibition without judgment deepens trust. Sharing a fantasy with your partner is an opportunity to learn about each other – and reignite your sex life – by venturing into new spaces. It’s normal to feel vulnerable with this experience, so I’ve outlined a few steps to help ease into the conversation.

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Establish a Clear Space – Before Sex:

Sharing your private sexual thoughts can be a nerve-wracking experience. It’s important to establish open and honest communication with your partner, so even if you’re on the receiving end of a secret, neither party feels uncomfortable or judged. Listen with an open mind and be specific when describing your fantasies. Have a fetish for BDSM? BDSM erotic play can range from bondage and discipline, to dominance and submission, to sadism and masochism. What specific features turn you on? Is it one or all of them?

Communicate your expectations for your fantasy before you have sex. While in the middle of intimacy, broaching a new subject can create awkwardness, conflict, discomfort, or worse, kill the entire mood. Are you looking to simply verbally share or would you like to actually explore? Take the plunge and share what you’re into in advance. This way you both have clear expectations of the new adventure.

Dealing with Reactions:

Are you prepared for your partner’s reaction? Let them know its okay not to be “okay” with whatever you present. Everyone has different comfort zones. Perhaps together, the two of you can find a way to re-interpret the fantasy into something doable. If you’re not comfortable with the direct approach, you can always test their reaction through a third-party medium, such as a movie or book. Ask your partner about how they felt about a particular scene in a movie – it’s a simple way to get the topic going and allows your partner to put the fantasy into context.

Remember to keep an open mind. You’ll never know what you two can tackle in the bedroom if you don’t bring it up. Share your fantasy and have fun. Perhaps you’ll both discover something new and sexy about yourselves!

xo,
jd

Guide to Wicked Flirting – Tips for the Ladies

The days of being courted by a gentleman on your parents’ veranda, while sipping lemonade are long gone – though if you ask me, they may have never truly existed. As generations age, they cling on to romanticized or exaggerated notions of their youth, but I’m sure many people still met at a bar, saloon, or speakeasy, often flirting without the gaze of their parents.

What has changed is society’s notion of gender roles. While we are still far from total gender equality, if women are able to serve in the military, they sure as heck should be able to initiate flirting. If you’re the type of gal who typically waits on a guy to make the first move, but things in your dating life have been slow, then you may want to read this introductory Guide to Wicked Flirting.

Go to a bar alone… or any place for that matter – Starbucks, the movies, or a county fair. This may seem a bit awkward at first, but putting yourself out there can get you noticed. Empowered dating is all about exposing yourself and feeling comfortable even when you’re at your most vulnerable. Leave your friends at home, let down your guard, and embrace the opportunity to be yourself.

First find a spot in the bar (or place of your choosing) that allows you to interact with people. You can try bellying up to the bar and make friends with your bartender. Walk and talk with confidence. Put down your cellphone and focus on who’s in the bar. Smile, laugh, and strike up a converstaion with the strangers sitting near you. Browse the bar for a guy you find attractive. Make eye contact, and if he is too shy to approach you, move to where he is. Be friendly and engage in conversation. Start with “hello” – people forget how effective that one word is when breaking the ice.

Ask questions because us ladies aren’t the only ones who like to talk about ourselves. Once engaged in conversation, don’t clam up. If you come across someone you’d like to know better, take it slow — but try to keep the conversation going. Ask questions, smile, and pay attention to what they’re saying, and look them in the eye! Good eye conact shows the gentleman he is the most important thing in the room to you.

Ask him about his hobbies, favorite sports teams, and movies — and share some casual, but not too personal, information about yourself in return. Remember this is supposed to be fun, so relax and enjoy yourself! Conversation is a balancing act, but if you’re both enjoying it, you won’t even notice.

Be yourself – this may seem obvious, but some of the worst crash-and-burn stories you read in magazines like Cosmopolitan occur when someone is trying to put on a mask. Challenging yourself to act in a manner outside of the box is not the same as being untrue to you. Talk about what you’re passionate about. Even if he’s not into the same things, passion is contagious.

Everyone loves a mystery. Think of flirting as a foreword to the book of you. While you want to be yourself and converse freely, you also want to save some things to talk about for the first date… or perhaps for breakfast if things go really well that night. Leave him wanting more.

Give him your number. Few things are more attractive than a flirt who is confident, playful, and clever. If you like the time you’ve spent with this new man, give him your number. Don’t be shy, what’s the worse than can happen, he doesn’t call? It’s not the end of the world, but if you don’t try, you’ll never know where it can go.

Remember, if you sit back and wait for a man to do all of these things, you may spend the best years of your life doing just that, waiting. Take control and be the sexy, witty, best version of you, you can be!

xo,
jd

Ask jessica- jessica drake Answers Reader’s Questions

My lover and I have started having anal sex, but I’m always paranoid about hygiene. Do you have any tips to get that area ready?

–Megan; Austin, TX

Hi Megan, I’m so glad you and your lover are expanding your sex life. There are a few steps you can try weeks ahead of time to be ready for anal sex, or some preparation steps right before the act, if you’re trying to be spontaneous.

A popular way to prepare if you have the time is to change your diet a bit. Try eating less fatty foods, and no huge meals. Keep in mind it usually takes 24 – 72 hours for most food to pass through your body. It takes 6 – 8 hours for food to pass through your stomach and small intestine, and then at least 24 hours to pass through the largeintestine.

If you’re planning on light anal stimulation with no penetration, then concentrate on washing the area very thoroughly with a mild soap and water. Make sure to skip the fancy soaps to avoid irritation. Also, as you’re having a shower, or a bath, if you kneel down into a squat and spread your legs, it will make shaving that little area so much easier, and you’ll be smooth and sweet smelling!

For full anal sex, you may consider doing an enema before the act. An enema is the process of cleaning the rectum with a bulb syringe or an enema bottle. It’s important to use a regular water enema (lukewarm or slightly warm), but not one that acts as a laxative. If you’ve never used an enema before, try a practice run before you do one for anal sex. Once you have it down, you can do an enema 2-3 hours before sex.

Keep in mind, it is not for the squeamish; it is anal sex after all. Make sure you are comfortable with your body and the way it functions. The key to great anal sex is being mentally ready as much as you are physically.

Now that you are prepared with the right information, you’re ready to go! Remember to relax, go slow and ease into it, use plenty of lube, and enjoy. For more information, check out jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex: Anal.

xo,

jd

 

My husband and I don’t seem to communicate well about sex or our relationship in or outside of the bedroom. How can I change this?

–Amy; Wichita, KS

Hi Amy, I’m so happy you reached out for help. This is a common issue for a lot of couples, which can lead to dissolution of the relationship if never properly addressed.

Communication plays a huge role in successful relationships, sexual or otherwise. You need to discuss how to express your sexuality: what works for you, how to ask your partner what works for them, and how to navigate some of the potential communication pitfalls and insecurities. Communication exercises, both on your own, as well as with your partner, are great ways to build that confidence and bond.

A simple exercise borrowing itself from the concept of “daily affirmations” is to sit with your partner and share 5 things you like about each other. Another exercise, which can take relationship communication to the next level, can be aided with the use of props such as flash cards. By looking through a series of descriptive words, and selecting which words you are comfortable with, you can share with your partner the words you prefer he or she use in relation to how they describe you. (An important thing to note about this exercise is how you can express to your partner why certain words work well for you.)

Starting with these exercises will open up the lines of communication and intimacy between you and your partner. There are plenty of more advanced communication exercises you can do with your partner, as well as great workshops and classes. I would recommend searching online to see what is in your area. Good luck, have fun, and remember to enjoy yourselves!

xo,

jd