Will Sleeping With Him Too Soon Sabotage Your Shot At Love?

Originally posted on *Your Tango

Jumping in the sack too quickly might send the wrong message.

New relationships are exciting, and there’s big temptation to jump in the sack right off the bat.


But both conventional wisdom and experience show that having sex too soon increases the likelihood of ruining a potential relationship. Yet if you’ve fallen into the sticky trap of sleeping with someone too soon, even knowing that it’s not in your best interest, you may have:

  • Gotten caught up in the moment
  • Mistaken sexual chemistry for more than what it is
  • Craved intimacy
  • Had sex for validation after a break up or a dry spell
  • Used sex as leverage
  • Felt pressured and wanted to please the guy
  • Believed you could have a no-strings-attached relationship, only to later want a real boyfriend-girlfriend relationship
  • Thought you were the exception

Having sex too soon is actually fine — just make sure that both of you have the same understanding about the nature of your relationship. But if you want a real, long term and committed relationship, having sex too soon sends the wrong signal to the guys you date.

What Happens After Having Sex With A Guy Too Soon
Hollywood movies perpetuate the fairytale version of having sex too soon — girl meets boy, they have sex early on, something happens to tear them apart, and then boy comes back for girl.

In these fantasy movies, one-night stands become real relationships. We buy into the fantasy that having premature sex doesn’t ruin a relationship when real life consistently shows us otherwise.

Are you thinking, “But I know a woman who has slept with a guy early on, and she’s now married to him!”

Yes, it is possible to have sex with a guy too soon and have it turn into a lasting relationship. But this is the exception, and it’s important to recognize that.

When you presume you’re the exception, you do a disservice to yourself. It’s in your best interest to act like you’re the rule, and be pleasantly surprised if things work out differently.

Having sex too soon and hoping it will lead to a commitment is trading short-term urges for long-term desires. When a guy acts on his biological urge and you perceive it as love, feelings of doubt and confusion will set in.

You may ask yourself “Did I do the right or wrong thing?” or “Where do I stand with this guy?”

If you like him a lot, you’ll behave and act in unflattering and desperate ways. Your self-esteem will take a hit because you’ll have compromised your values and integrity to get him to desire you on a deeper level. In hindsight, these will be some of your most cringe-worthy moments.

If you find yourself in this situation, it’s okay. The more important thing is to learn and grow from these experiences.

What You Can Do To Keep His Interest — Instead Of Having Sex Too Soon
Don’t let a man who just wants to have sex with you pressure you into sleeping with him early on. It doesn’t make him a bad guy if he wants to have sex with you — he is just being a guy, and many women let him get away with it.

Don’t be a woman who has sex with a guy thinking that physicality will keep his interest. Most men seek sex for the immediate physical gratification.

Here’s the good news: the beauty of being a woman is helping him see sex as more than a physical sensation. Set the pace by having sex only when you feel comfortable and ready.

Setting the pace isn’t about playing games. It’s about knowing what you want (i.e. a real relationship), then behaving and acting in ways that align with what you desire. If there’s a guy you’re interested in, let him woo you.

Take the time to learn about each other. Discover what his values are, the kind of relationships he has with family and friends, how he views his job, life, and the world, why previous relationships haven’t worked out, etc.

Let him learn who you are, what you’re about, what you love and what’s most important to you.

If he wants to have sex before you’re ready, and the thought of being intimate with him appeals to you, you can acknowledge what he wants by saying something like, “I like who you are and want to continue to learn more about you.

If things keep going in this direction, I can definitely see us being intimate.” If a guy doesn’t stick around because you’re not having sex when he wants it, he is not the one for you.

A high quality man who really likes you will respect your wishes and wait for you.

The Ideal Time For Having Sex With A Guy
So when should you sleep with a guy? Aone-size-fits-all answer does not exist. However, here are signs that point to the ideal time for having sex with a potential partner.

  • You connect on many levels
  • You feel good about yourself when you’re around him
  • You like who he is
  • You respect him
  • He treats you with respect
  • He does what he says he’s going to do
  • He’s not having sex with anyone else
  • There are no exes or women from the past in the picture
  • You both want the same kind of relationship
  • He is the kind of man you could see being in a real relationship with
  • Sex feels like the next natural progression
  • If you have sex, despite what happens, you’ll have no regrets

Ultimately, having sex too soon rarely turns dates into a relationship. Send the right signals to guys you date by slowing things down until you learn you’re truly compatible. When the time is right, the sex you have will be meaningful and more fulfilling on multiple levels.

Remember, a high quality man will respect your wishes and wait until you are ready to have sex. When do you think it’s ideal to have sex with a guy? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

If you’re frustrated and tired about not being successful in love, get your free Monthly Guide to Love. You’ll receive insightful articles, inspirational resources and best practices that support your journey to love.

jessica drake Reflects on Whirlwind Start to 2014

Adult Entertainment’s Busiest Star Expertly Juggles Reality Show, Sex Education Films, College Appearances, Feature Films, Media Profiles, & More!

LOS ANGELES (April 21, 2014) – Acclaimed sexual wellness authority, sex educator, and Wicked Pictures contract performer / director jessica drake has had a whirlwind start to 2014, with many more exciting projects on the horizon. In addition to performing, drake still finds times to educate couples on sex, speak to media, appear at colleges, direct, and more, all while preparing for the release of her upcoming reality show, Love, Jessica.

“What a year 2014 has been, and it’s only April!” says drake. “All my work over the past several years as a performer, director, and educator are culminating at the same time in so many different facets. I welcome the opportunity to bring more attention to topics like the adult entertainment industry and the need for sex education reform.”

drake hit the ground running in 2014, when a CNN.com feature on her was selected as the “most popular photo blog of 2013” immediately after the New Year. In the photo blog, drake discussed LA County’s controversial Measure B (also known as the County of Los Angeles Safer Sex In the Adult Film Industry Act), the adult industry, and her performance, educational, and volunteer work; the feature also took a peek into her private life.

Her acclaimed educational series, jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex, continued to garner industry praise, as jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex: Anal Play for Men was named Best Educational Release at this year’s 2014 AVN Awards. Returning to Los Angeles, drake then announced she would be collaborating with award-winning BBW performer and size acceptance advocate Kelly Shibari on the first-ever educational DVD on plus size sexuality, jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex: Plus Size Sex. Mainstream and adult media outlets alike, including Cosmopolitan, were invited onto the set of the groundbreaking project; the film will be released later this year. drake is also currently in post-production on two additional educational films for 2014: jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex: The Art of Striptease and jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex: Legends.

Ever the educator, drake was invited to present several “modern sex” seminars around the country. In addition to workshops at Cirillas stores in Ohio, drake spoke with students at University of Chicago’s Sex Week, where she shared her experience in the adult industry and how it helped her see the need and demand for modern sex education. Her second presentation at U-Chicago was titled, “The Piracy of Sex,” which she presented with anti-piracy expert Nate Glass. The seminar was profiled by multiple media sites, including tech site BetaBeat, and the duo was invited to speak to students at USC’s Film School on April 30. drake also attended UCLA for a panel titled, “Porn, Prostitution, and Censorship: The Politics of Empowerment,” where she discussed the power dynamics of prostitution, the accommodation of sex, and the objectification and censorship of the female body.

In addition to speaking with students, drake participated on several panels within the sex educator and adult entertainment community. She spoke alongside Dr. Carol Queen on the panel “Real vs Reel Sex” at CatalystCon East, where she discussed the differences in perception between sex as fantasy entertainment versus sex for educational benefits. In Toronto, drake was a featured speaker at The Feminist Porn Conference, as part of the panel, “Evaluating the Outcome: How Do We Know When Porn was Produced with Ethical Feminist Principles?” Sharing her experience in the adult industry both as a performer and a producer/director with ‘mainstream’ heterosexual company Wicked Pictures, drake discussed how the concept of ethics and feminist tropes play within her work, and challenged the notions of ‘mainstream’ adult entertainment companies and their place within the feminist porn tableau.

Mainstream media sought jessica drake’s expertise on a variety of topics; she let readers into sex and relationship secrets for men’s pop culture and trendsetter site CraveOnline. She also offered her insight into personal privacy, in the wake of Duke University student Belle Knox’s public backlash, for the Huffington Post.

A three-time winner of AVN’s coveted Best Actress award, drake essayed the role of the Evil Queen earlier this year in Axel Braun’s Snow White XXX: A Hardcore Parody, opposite Riley Steele. The debut release in the new Wicked Fairy Tales line, this two-disc DVD release goes on sale nationwide April 23, 2014.

Ms. drake is currently in the midst of shooting her second big budget project of the year, the New York-based relationship drama Aftermath. Directed by her longtime collaborator and acclaimed filmmaker Brad Armstrong, the intimate character study casts drake opposite rising star Tyler Nixon in a compelling May-December romance rife with hidden secrets. drake’s latest collaboration with real-life partner Armstrong caught the eye of Cosmopolitan yet again, resulting in an in-depth interview on costume and wardrobe design for adult films.

Capturing the behind-the-scenes portions of drake’s busy schedule are the cameras of Love, Jessica, a new reality show documenting jessica’s life. The docu-series will premiere on Canada’s The Movie Network, Sunday, May 11 and Movie Central in Fall 2014, while after a successful debut at MIPTV, deals are in the works to bring the show to all major markets around the world. Season One is comprised of 10 30-minute episodes.

To download a promotional photo of jessica drake, click here.

About jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex:
Three-time AVN Best Actress winner and sexual wellness authority jessica drake brings erotic topics to life through intimate demonstrations performed by some of today’s hottest adult stars in her “Guide to Wicked Sex” series. The stimulating sequences are sensual, provocative and enlivened by an informative optional audio commentary. In each volume of “jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex,” writer, producer, director, and host jessica drake addresses a different aspect of human sexuality, ranging from Fellatio and Anal to Basic Positions and Female Masturbation. jessica explores each topic with the same distinct blend of knowledge, experience, and good humor, which led Dee Dennis, the founder of sexuality conference CatalystCon, to praise her as “an amazing sex educator and speaker, who represents a new direction and is breaking new ground” in the sexual self-help genre. The series’ volume on Fellatio earned AVN’s 2012 Best Educational Release trophy, “Anal” was named XBIZ’s 2012 Specialty Release of the Year, “Anal Sex for Men” received AVN’s 2014 Best Educational Release award. For more information, visit www.GuideToWickedSex.com, www.Facebook.com/GuideToWickedSex, or www.Twitter.com/Guide2WickedSex.

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How to Introduce the Bedroom Into Your Everyday

Sometimes, it seems like the stresses of the day (work, family, and general stuff) gets a woman, her partner, or both of them so wrapped up they might forget their relationship may be suffering. It’s crucial to remember your relationship is just as important as anything else going on in your life – after all, he is your best friend, lover, and confidant! Nurturing the primary relationship in your life is a great way to relieve stress, for both of you.


One of the best ways to remind him (and you) that your partnership keeps putting a smile on both of your faces and is a refuge from all of the stresses going on, is to flirt and tease throughout the day. Romance shouldn’t be limited to the bedroom – bring it out, and you’ll find the sentiments are reciprocated!


Here are some fun ideas to keep those sexy ideas between you and your lover going throughout the day:


  • Give your partner a kiss before they leave for work. If work is at home, remember to give casual kisses or surprise fondles throughout the day.


  • Leave a sexy note on the bathroom mirror (or refrigerator, or anywhere else unexpected)… in lipstick.


  • Ask your partner to pick out your underwear for the next day – he’ll be thinking about you wearing it all day


  • Send a sexy text – it can be words, or a picture.


  • Go commando – and make sure your partner knows, either with a sexy text or before he leaves for the day… or over dinner. You know he’ll be thinking about how you’re exposed!


There are plenty of other unplanned, sexy little things you can do as well – I’m sure you can come up with some special ideas just for you and him!


Here’s the thing: Your partner, much like you, wants to remember that no matter how long the relationship has been going on, he is still sexy, strong, and desired. Making sure he knows you’re on his mind as something other than a provider, especially as someone who is a sexual being, will bring a smile to his face, as well as yours when he reciprocates later.


A word of warning, though – or maybe it’s not a warning, but rather a reminder: if he doesn’t respond right away, don’t push the issue! This is about your partner and making sure he knows you want him. It’s not about trying to get something back. There are always going to be times when he’s too busy, or just TOO stressed to reciprocate right away. Don’t worry though – when he does have the time, he will. Pushing too hard, or being passive-aggressive about “all the nice sexy things you’re doing for him” is only going to make him resent your cute advances. So, don’t write notes every morning or send sexy texts 10 times a day. Overkill will dull the issue, and it might even become annoying – and annoying isn’t sexy! Make sure these things are little surprises.


It’s been said many, many times a mental re-set can do wonders for the soul. Help him get his mind off of the stresses of the day with these small mental re-sets, and you’ll be sure to keep him smiling all day about the things you two can do together, when he comes home – or you might just get an invitation for a mid-day rendezvous! Who knows – he might even read this blog, and you could start seeing some little re-sets and reminders from him to help you with your stressful day too!





Condoms are a popular topic of conversation these days with the recent passing of Measure B, a new law requiring protective barriers in all adult movies filmed in Los Angeles County.  While I’m opposed to the law for a number of moral, social, and economic reasons, I do believe condoms are the best way for adults to safeguard against sexually transmitted diseases.

I use condoms in my personal life, as well as my professional life.  Wicked Pictures, the studio I am a contract performer with, is the only heterosexual, condom-only adult entertainment company.

A common complaint from people who oppose using condoms is about the pain associated from having sex with one.  While this may be true for people with latex allergies, extra sensitive vaginas, or adult stars who have sex for two hours straight, if you take the time to find the right condom, you will hardly know it’s there protecting you.

To find a comfortable condom and a compatible lube, I recommend making a game of it.  Buy six or seven different brands and types of condoms – ribbed, flavored, heated, ultra-thin, etc. – and try them all in one or two sessions with your partner.  Try each for a couple of minutes and have fun discussing which are your favorites and why.  Do the same with lubes, like Wicked Sensual Care’s Aqua.  An added bonus of this hands-on research is the prolonged sexual experience it provides.

Some guys don’t like condoms because they are afraid of losing their erection during the time it takes to find a condom, open it, and properly put it on.  A simple solution to this complication is for partners to become involved in the application process.  Fondling your partner’s penis while putting the condom on for him allows him to still be aroused and keep his mind on one thing – sex.

Another issue I’ve heard guys discuss is desensitization.  Again, it comes down to finding the right condom for you.  Condom technology is continually advancing, which means maybe it’s time to try and new brand and material.  There are condoms made out of latex and non-latex materials like polyisoprene, which are up to 40% thinner than standard rubbers.

You can also look at desensitization from a “glass is half full” perspective.  If you are nervous about finishing too soon, the right condom can help extend your sessions in the sack, while still allowing you to savor all the wonderful sensations.

A recent study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine reports men who are satisfied with how their condom feels experience an increase in sexual pleasure (and I know the same is true of the women/men on the receiving end).  While it may seem like an obvious conclusion, the important idea to take away from the study is to search for the right condom for you.  Wrap your gift correctly, and the present will be even more enjoyable.



Dear jessica: What Positions Will Hide My Extra Pounds?



Hi, jessica!  I’m not in love with my body right now and only want to have sex in the dark.  Can you recommend any positions that will hide my extra weight, so I can turn on the lights for my man?

–Trish; Boston, MA


The most important thing to note is physical appearance isn’t everything, and if any part of you feels like your partner puts pressure on your regarding your appearance, then it may be time to reevaluate your relationship.


That being said, sex is such a wonderful part of life!  Unfortunately, many women stress out so much about areas they believe to be imperfect that it affects their ability to orgasm – the mind kicks into overdrive trying to hide things, instead of simply being comfortable and letting go.  If you’re too concerned about having a little extra jiggle, then it’s hard to enjoy the act.  Luckily, there are some simple positions to help conceal body areas you may be self conscious about.


If you’re worried about your stomach, then having sex in doggy position will cause the guy’s focus to be entirely on your luscious booty.  The cowgirl position is also good to conceal tummy fat.  You’re upright in the position, which helps, plus your breasts will be bouncing around to draw his attention.  In the reverse cowgirl position, your back is to him, so once again your butt will draw his attention.


If it’s your backside and thighs you want to hide, then consider variations on the missionary position.  Besides covering your back, the missionary position also causes the focal point to be your eyes and face.


Of course, standing up while having sex is a great way to conceal any trouble spots.  Standing stretches out all your areas.


You can also try a new wardrobe in the bedroom.  There are plenty of sexy lingerie options available to cover areas you dislike and enhance those you do.


In the end, the most important thing to remember is everyone has insecurities, but if you’re with a partner who cares about you and has earned your trust, then he probably thinks of you as the most beautiful in the world regardless of any weight you may have put on.  So flip on the lights and enjoy yourself!

jessica drake Joins Sex-Ed Panel at CatalystCon

Producer of Acclaimed ‘jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex’ DVD Series Discusses ‘Sex Education: Out of the Classroom, Into the Streets!’

AUGUST 9, 2012 — LONG BEACH, CA — Emerging sexual wellness authority and adult entertainment superstar jessica drake will participate in a panel titled “Sex Education: Out of the Classroom, into the Streets!at the CatalystCon sexuality conference in September. In addition to jessica drake, panel participants include sex educators Carol Queen and Dr. Robert Morgan Lawrence, podcast host and “Sex Nerd” Sandra Daugherty and sssh.com‘s resident sex expert Ava Mir-Ausziehen.

In its inaugural year, CatalystCon was conceived from the hugely successful East Coast sexuality conference Momentum. Over 50 leading experts in sexuality and feminism attended Momentum, making it one of the most influential events on the subjects in the world. CatalystCon promises to be equally prolific, while inspiring exceptional conversations on sexuality and improving future discourse.

“I’m looking forward to this,” drake said. “So many people get their sex information — or should I say misinformation — from mainstream media and online entertainment, so a discussion of disseminating sex facts would be helpful to people who want to teach healthy, positive sexuality”

“I’m thrilled to be able to have jessica drake as a speaker at CatalystCon and especially as part of the sex educators panel Out of the Classroom,” CatalystCon organizer Dee Dennis said. “Many of us fight for sex education in our schools but I also think sex education for adults is just as important. There are many different ways to do that, as shown by the panel jessica is on. She has an established fan base that makes it possible to reach people others may not. One of the major messages of CatalystCon is knowledge is power and I feel that jessica is fulfilling that message with her series of sex-ed videos.”

The CatalystCon conference was created to inspire “exceptional conversations about sexuality” and will feature more than 40 panel discussions on various sexuality-based topics. The conference is described by organizer Dee Dennis as a “melting pot of sexuality” that will unite sex educators, sexologists, sex workers, writers, activists, and anyone with a passion for creating change. “Knowledge is power, and sharing that knowledge is the first spark in igniting change” is the principle behind CatalystCon.

Uniting a lifetime of study with a decade’s worth of experiential research, “jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex” is receiving excellent reviews from adult industry authorities including XBIZ, AVN and Fleshbot.com The production “jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex: Fellatio” received the 2012 AVN award for Best Educational Release and “jessica drake’s Guide Wicked Sex: Anal’ received the 2012 XBIZ award for Specialty Release of the Year.

Continuing her commitment to sexuality education, drake writes a monthly column for AdultDVDEmpire.com titled Ask jessica drake Anything.” Each month jessica answers ten questions on love, sex, and romance. The authors of the questions receive complete sets of the “jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex” educational DVD series. To submit questions, visit http://www.adultdvdempire.com/pm/ask_jessica_drake.aspx.

CatalystCon will take place September 14-16 at the Hilton Long Beach & Executive Meeting Center in Long Beach, California. Registration is required. For more information, visit CatalystCon.com. The “Sex Education: Out of the Classroom, into the Streets!” panel with jessica drake participating is scheduled for 10:30 am on Saturday, September 15.

About CatalystCon:

CatalystCon is a conference created to inspire exceptional conversations about sexuality. It is about reaching out and stimulating those who attend to create those important conversations in their own communities, changing how we as a society talk and treat sexuality.  It is about stimulating the activist that is within all of us and sparking transformation in the way our friends, neighbors, children and even politicians discuss one of the most important aspects of humanity. Dee Dennis regards this conference as a “melting pot of sexuality” that will unite sex educators, sexologists, sex workers, writers, activists, and anyone with a passion for creating change. “Knowledge is power, and sharing that knowledge is the first spark in igniting change.” This is the fundamental principle behind CatalystCon. For more information, visit www.CatalystCon.com or www.Twitter.com/CatalystCon.


jessica drake Addresses UCLA Class of Licensed Therapists


Leading Health Care Professionals Learn the Merits of “jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex” Sex Education DVDs

MAY 10, 2012 — LOS ANGELES CA — Emerging sexual wellness authority and adult entertainment superstar jessica drake recently addressed a class of licensed therapists at UCLA.  Dr. Walter Bracklemans leads the class titled Human Sexuality, Sex Education and Sex Therapy.  Thirty-five leading health care professionals, sex therapists, MFTs and MFCCs listened to jessica speak for over an hour on her career as an adult star, her transition to sex educator and her line of bestselling DVDs, jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex.

“jessica drake had 35 health care professionals eating out of the palms of her hands,” states AVN (Adult Video News) founder Paul Fishbein, who appeared with jessica.  “Her expertise and experience and presentation of the instructional line wowed these doctors.  It was the very tool many of them have been searching for over the years and they were impressed with her knowledge and presentation.”

Poised to speak at several additional universities around the country in the fall of 2012, jessica drake says, “I feel extremely privileged to have been welcomed onto UCLA’s campus for a discourse on sex education.  My favorite part of the afternoon was the roundtable discussion allowing everyone in the room to join the conversation.  It was at that point I realized how many great minds I was in the presence of.  I had the opportunity to learn just as much as I taught, and I am thankful for the way I was accepted into the extraordinary class. I am very proud to be recognized as a contributor to modern day sex education. I am very grateful to Dr. Walter Bracklemans and to Paul Fishbein for making this all possible.”

Uniting a lifetime of study with a decade’s worth of experiential research, “jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex” is receiving excellent reviews.  The critics at XBIZ are raving about the franchise, praising jessica’s unique ability to “connect with people through her friendly and personal approach” and dubbing the series “the steamiest instructional line on the market!”  AVN’s Heather Namikoshi writes, “The overall tone for the female viewer is calming and accepting, and drake does a good job at creating a safe learning space within the production.  The demonstrations are good and shot well to instruct newbies in various techniques…”  Fleshbot.com is equally praiseful of jessica, crediting her with bringing a “sexy, articulate and professional” new voice to the sexual self-help genre.

AVN honored jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex: Fellatio with the 2012 award for Best Educational Release.  Similarly, XBIZ bestowed the 2012 award for Specialty Release of the Year to jessica drake’s Guide Wicked Sex: Anal.

Curious adults now have the opportunity to submit questions for jessica drake through the AdultDVDEmpire.com feature column, “Ask jessica drake Anything.”  Each month jessica selects ten questions on love, sex, and romance, and posts her answers on the site.  In addition to receiving jessica’s advice, the authors of the questions will each receive complete sets of the jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex educational DVD series.  To submit questions, visit http://www.adultdvdempire.com/pm/ask_jessica_drake.aspx.

In addition to creating this exclusive line of educational DVDs and her position as the official sex educator for AdultDVDEmpire.com, jessica assists men and women in becoming more sexually aware with Sex for the Wicked Woman, a series of powerful and engaging self-help seminars illuminated by her expertise and passion for research.

For more information about Dr. Bracklemans’ course, visit https://www.uclaextension.edu/r/Course.aspx?reg=U6575.

To book Jessica to speak at your class or event, please contact pr@guidetowickedsex.com.