I’ve heard from many of my friends that sex fizzles after the wedding. What can I do to make sure this doesn’t happen to us? John, 32, Trenton, NJ

Hi John,

I don’t think it’s that the sex “fizzles” as it is that other things (reality!) get in the way of continuing the honeymoon phase. The good news is that by acknowledging that this may one day be a problem, you’re already being proactive about it.

In time, husbands and wives find that everyday things just seem to take over their lives- jobs, taking care of the house, the kids, paying bills- and they are left feeling more like roommates than anything else. How do you bring the passion back? Well, it’s better that you never lose it in the first place…and this is something that requires a little time and effort. You can equate this to regular maintenance on your car, like an oil change. It takes a little time, but it’s the kind of thing that, left neglected, can cause your car’s engine to overheat and throw a rod, and then it’s totaled. All because you didn’t prevent a little problem from getting bigger.

How do you do this? Take time with your partner, no matter what. Have a weekly date night. Touch base with each other during your busy days, even if it’s with a phone call or text. Set your alarm 15 minutes early so that you can have a coffee together…and by coffee, i mean quickie.

Romance your significant other. Pursue them the way you did when you were dating. One of the biggest complaints women have is that they no longer feel “special”. You may think, “Of COURSE you’re special, I made you my wife, didn’t I?” but nothing can replace the feeling that she is truly wanted. Tell her how beautiful she is, how much she turns you on, all the little things that she does that you find so sexy. Whisper those sweet (and dirty!) nothings in her ear. It will go a long way. In bed, don’t let it get to be an automatic routine. Watch a sexy movie together. Buy her some lingerie. Dress up like a cowboy or policeman or fireman, if that’s her fantasy. Be open to new things, and really try to explore each other’s desires.

I think the most important thing that ties it all together is communication. Make your wife/husband the person that you can really talk to. NO matter if it’s serious or trivial, your likes or dislikes, turn ons, pet peeves, dreams, hopes, ideas, fears, whatever. Just talk. Every so often it’s also a great idea to have what I call a “State of the Union” talk- your chance to get out (in a non-confrontational way) things that you love or things that you may want to change.

All of the things I’ve discussed above will help you keep up that bond that will keep your relationship, and in turn your sex life thriving.

xo

jess