I think one of the biggest lessons to “understanding” a woman’s orgasm – whether you’re a woman and it’s yours or it’s that of your wife, girlfriend, casual fling, or one night stand – is it is something nearly impossible to truly understand. I can instruct you on how to bake the perfect cake, do a PowerPoint presentation, or drive a stick shift, but what I cannot do is give you step by step instructions on how to give your partner (or yourself, for that matter) an orgasm. Because we’re all so very different, both in anatomy and also in personal preferences, what gets one woman off simply may not work for another.
A Sex in America survey found that during intercourse, 3/4 of men reach orgasm, but only 1/3 of all women! Other studies and surveys have found approximately 80% of the women who are orgasming are doing it from clitoral stimulation alone. Regardless of the type of orgasm, whether it’s clitoral, vaginal, g-spot, or a combination of, it’s my goal to help raise this percentage.
For men, I have three tips to offer.
1. Be confident, but not cocky. This applies to most things in life, but especially in the sexual prowess department. Your confidence she’s going to reach climax will encourage her.
2. Be persistent. There are four phases of the sexual response cycle, as explored by Masters and Johnson. The first one, excitement, encompasses foreplay. Make sure you’re doing what it takes, for as long as it takes. I have met many women who are unable to reach orgasm with their partner because they’re worried about taking too long. If your neck/mouth/fingers get tired, always have a backup plan. Switch things up… but don’t give up.
3. Be a good listener. This goes beyond the words coming out of her mouth. When you are doing something she loves, she’ll tell you… if not with her words, with her body. You’ll be able to pick up on her preferences – does she like it hard and fast? Slow and soft? More pressure or less? The answers are already there for you to find. Listen to her breathing. Watch as her toes curl. Is she pulling you in or pushing you away? Take that hint! Oh, and when she says breathlessly, ” don’t stop!”, whatever you do, DON’T STOP.
For women, I have days worth of advice, but I’ll begin with these three tips.
1. Get to know yourself. Your body is amazing. It’s unique. We don’t come with instruction manuals, so it’s up to you to do the groundwork necessary to really explore who you are sexually and what you like. Masturbate. Try things for the first time when you’re alone to alleviate any concerns you might have. When you’re comfortable, you can share them with your partner.
2. Have faith. It’s taking too long? Probably not. Women vary between the very quick 5 minutes to a leisurely half an hour… maybe more. Give yourself permission to do what you need, for as long as you need. Once you orgasm for the first time, you learn you can do it, and after that, you’ll find orgasms come easily. It’s like taking the training wheels off your bike once you get the hang of it. It’s also like the Law of Attraction… for orgasms!
3. Communicate. After you’ve experimented with what gets you in the mood, find a way to share this information with your partner. There are plenty of ways to do this – from a discussion during a dinner date to dirty talk during the act, and everything in between. Feeling adventurous? Plan a night of mutual masturbation where sex with your partner isn’t allowed. Watch each other and notice how you touch yourselves.
These hints are just the tip of the iceberg, but you’ll find in time and with practice, you’ll be on your way to understanding orgasms, and in turn, having many, many more of them.
For help of exploring your body and masturbation, try “jessica drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex Female Masturbation.”