The 5 Things Every BDSM Beginner Should Know

A few weeks ago the editors at Refinery29.com approached me about writing a blog with BDSM tips and advice for beginners. I’m happy to report the blog is now up on their site.

The 5 Things Every BDSM Beginner Should Know (Published 7/23/15 on www.Refinery29.com)

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There is no denying that BDSM is trendy right now. Look no further than the shelves of your local bookstore, and you’ll see not only the books of E.L. James but also a surge of other erotic writers capitalizing on the desire for edgier sex and steamier novels. When the movie Fifty Shades of Grey premiered in theaters on Valentine’s Day, couples rushed to see it, and many of those couples went on to act out their on-screen fantasies. More than ever, I’ve recently fielded questions from wives (and husbands!) who want to spank or be spanked, to tie up or be tied up, but don’t really know where to begin. BDSM can be a great way to liven things up in bed, but it’s important to have at least a minimal knowledge of safety before you get started. Here are some basic points for the BDSM beginner.

To read the whole article, click here.

Common Female Fantasies – Which is #1?

Originally published on *Ask Men

A newly published study out of Montreal, which set out to “scientifically define sexual deviation for the first time ever”, had researchers asking 1,500 Quebec adults (split evenly between men and women) about their biggest sexual fantasies.

Published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, results include facts like 1) Men fantasize more and with greater detail than women and 2) Females are less likely to want their fantasies to come true. But most interesting of all is what researchers found to be the No. 1 fantasy among women: Submission a la Fifty Shades of Grey.

Learn more about domination and several other recurring themes found in common female fantasies by reading on. Remember: Whether you’re dating a puritan or the neighborhood tart, deep down they share the same basic desires and have similar sexual cravings.

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Domination

Your girl doesn’t have to be into whips and chains to fantasize about this one, as it covers a rather broad spectrum of naughtiness, ranging from dominating to being dominated. The latter is a particularly common female fantasy (even for dominant women), which often extends to capture fantasies. Women who fantasize about such things are usually highly sexual, but may feel guilty about their desires. This is guilt which can easily be assuaged with the right kind of encouragement.

Sex With A Stranger

Hot no-strings-attached sex is a common female fantasy for the simple reason that most women wouldn’t have the nerve to engage in this kind of thing without being fully liquored up. The idea likely appeals to her inner feminist because if she walks into a bar and takes a man home for an all-night shag fest, then she’s a modern, sexually liberated woman whom her girlfriends can admire. What keeps this a fantasy for most women is the fear of post-coital self-judgement at having behaved so wantonly. This type of fantasy is usually found in women who would like to be more sexually free than they currently are.

Sex In Public

Society tends to demand a certain level of modesty and propriety from women and that can really get on a girl’s nerves. The idea of being naughty while random strangers pass by can be a massive turn-on for even the shyest of females. The appeal is partly due to shock value (which makes her feel powerful) and partly due to breaking a massive taboo (which makes her feel wild and wicked). It’s hard to imagine anything more sexually liberating than allowing others to watch you have a good lay. If she’s fantasizing about this, it indicates a decrease in sexual inhibition, which probably means she’s ready to take her present level of kink up a notch.

Sex With Two Men

There isn’t a woman on earth who doesn’t enjoy being the center of attention when it comes to the affections of men and this little fantasy doubles the pleasure. The idea of two studs focusing all of their efforts on her sexual experience, making her orgasm over and over again, is a truly common female fantasy. Another facet is being able to fully satisfy two men at the same time, which can make a woman feel sexually potent and powerful. This could just be a fantasy or it could indicate that she feels her current partner isn’t seeing to her needs adequately.

Sex With Another Woman

The vast majority of women, whether bisexual or not, has at least entertained the idea of having sex with another woman. And, of those women, most have fantasized about having hot lesbian sex with a gorgeous, sexy woman. The fantasy may or may not involve allowing a man to watch, but it’s not about having a three-way romp; This is something she imagines on her own, just her and one other female. Fear not: This doesn’t mean she’s into you any less, it simply means she finds the female form sexually stimulating. Surely you can relate?

Role-Playing

This one covers a lot of ground and it’s important to note that the word “role-playing” doesn’t necessarily denote playing dress-up. Yes, common female fantasies might involve dressing up like a hooker and having their man pick them up on the boulevard, but it could also be as simple as imagining herself as a stripper and giving you a private lap dance. By dressing up like someone else, she can act out her salacious fantasies and this can be very beneficial for a relationship, as it can give a woman the courage to do the things she’s always wanted to do, but never had the nerve to. If she’s mentioning this one, she’s likely ready to add some spice in the bedroom and just needs a little encouragement to get there.

Voyeurism

While most women don’t really get turned on by the idea of watching others have sex, most of them do get incredibly turned on by the idea of being watched themselves. Perhaps the most common female fantasy along these lines involves being watched in secret. This allows her to maintain her modesty while still indulging her inner vixen. This fantasy can sometimes mean she needs a bit more in the way of attention or it can mean she simply gets off on the performance, rather than the experience. You can satisfy this urge easily enough by videotaping your next sexual encounter.

Make Her Fantasy A Reality

Each of these common female fantasies can be turned into reality with a relatively small degree of effort on your part. It might take a bit of practice before both of you are truly comfortable acting them out, but the learning stage is just as hot, sexy and satisfying as the fully experienced stage.

A long list of sex acts just got banned in UK porn

Originally posted on *The Independent

Pornography produced in the UK was quietly censored [through] an amendment to the 2003 Communications Act, and the measures appear to take aim at female pleasure.

The Audiovisual Media Services Regulations 2014 requires that video-on-demand (VoD) online porn now adhere to the same guidelines laid out for DVD sex shop-type porn by the British Board of Film Censors (BBFC).

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Seemingly arbitrarily deciding what is nice sex and what is not nice sex, the board’s ruling on ‘content that is not acceptable’ (p.23) effectively bans the following acts from being depicted by British pornography producers:

Spanking

Caning

Aggressive whipping

Penetration by any object “associated with violence”

Physical or verbal abuse (regardless of  if consensual)

Urolagnia (known as “water sports”)

Role-playing as non-adults

Physical restraint

Humiliation

Female ejaculation

Strangulation

Facesitting

Fisting

The final three listed fall under acts the BBFC views as potentially “life-endangering”.

While the measures won’t stop people from watching whatever genre of porn they desire, as video shot abroad can still be viewed, they do impose severe restrictions on content created in the UK, and appear to make no distinction between consensual and non-consensual practices between adults.

Femdom porn will be hit particularly hard by the regulations

“There appear to be no rational explanations for most of the R18 rules,” Jerry Barnett of the anti-censorship group Sex and Censorship told Vice UK. “They’re simply a set of moral judgements designed by people who have struggled endlessly to stop the British people from watching pornography.”

More worryingly, the amendment seems to take issue with acts from which women more traditionally derive pleasure than men.

“The new legislation is absurd and surreal,” Itziar Bilbao Urrutia, a dominatrix who produces porn with a feminist theme added to Vice UK. “I mean, why ban facesitting? What’s so dangerous about it? It’s a harmless activity that most femdom performers, myself included, do fully dressed anyway. Its power is symbolic: woman on top, unattainable.”

In a piece for The Independent, award-winning erotic film director Erika Lust said that she believes “we need to rethink what is offensive or dangerous and what is, in fact, normal human nature, and remember that it’s more important to educate than regulate.”

The Department for Culture, Media & Sport insists the BBFC’s R18 certificate is a “tried and tested” method for protecting children.

“The legislation provides the same level of protection to the online world that exists on the high street in relation to the sale of physical DVDs,” a spokesperson told us.

“In a converging media world these provisions must be coherent, and the BBFC classification regime is a tried and tested system of what content is regarded as harmful for minors.”

Fetish Conventions – Where You Can Learn a Thing or Two!

***In order to cover a wide spectrum of topics on GuideToWickedSex.com, I love to involve guest bloggers.  As the subject of fetishes came up, I thought of my friend Kelly Shibari as a great source of information – below is Kelly’s second GTWS post on fetishes. xo, jd.

This weekend, I’m in Tampa, Florida, to experience my first-ever FetishCon. It’s one of the largest fetish and kink conventions in the country, and I’ve always wanted to attend. I’m so happy I was able to fly down this year!

For people who are interested in introducing fetishes into the bedroom, fetish conventions are a great way to learn, explore, and be inspired. Usually held during the day, in a brightly lit hotel convention center, fetish conventions will mitigate any fears you may have from watching too many horror movies. Yes, there are dungeon setups, and people being whipped, pierced, tied up, screaming, and more – but there are also vendors that sell kinky clothes, sexy shoes, videos, books, and more.

There are also usually seminars, ranging from “Introduction to the BDSM and Fetish Lifestyle” and “Beginning Edge Play: Sharp and Pointies,” but also some very tame seminars that can be super helpful to couples who are looking for things less painful, such as “Taking Better Intimate Photos at Home,” “Erotic Tickle Torture,” and “What Is A Fetish?” In addition, there are usually some really good seminars on communication and theory, which is great regardless of whether or not you’re into kinky stuff or not. This year, the classes offered for communication include “Pain is for Pleasure, Not for Injury,” “Learning to Separate Reasonable Risk from Fantasy Foolishness,” and “Effective Communication.” See? Attending a fetish convention isn’t all about being tied up and beaten until you’re black and blue (which I know some of you were thinking!).

The after-parties can be pretty fun too – and much like the convention, you can either just watch, or actually participate. Kinky Karaoke? Check. A medical fetish themed live show? Cool! Burlesque and rope bondage feature performances? Amazing!

But the best part about attending a fetish convention? The conversations. You can go to any booth, ask as many questions as you’d like, and see a myriad of performances of varying fetishes, all in person. Some booths will even let you try things – a rope bondage expert can not only tie you up (over your clothes), but also walk both you and your partner through the various kinds of rope, basic information about safety, and advice on how to get started at home. A toy company can walk you through the difference between floggers and whips, different kinds of leather, and more, but also demonstrate how to use the items properly, so you’re not just going to a website and randomly selecting items, hoping that you chose something that both of you would enjoy. Any purchases you make will be a combination of one person learning how to use it properly and safely, and the partner knowing it’s a sensation they enjoy heightening his or her pleasure.

Yes, you’re right – not everything you see will be to your liking. You might even find some fetishes that scare you, horrify you, and downright make you think, WTF? But you might, and very likely, find something that will be new, fun, and get you excited to try back at home. When you know you’ve found a fetish you both enjoy, then it’s something that can be incorporated into the bedroom easily. So go out there and start exploring!

–Kelly Shibari


About Kelly Shibari:
From her background in design and construction in mainstream film and television production to performing in front of the camera as the sexually-charged figurehead for chubby Asian girls everywhere, Kelly Shibari is a stereotype-breaking tour-de-force. Her multi-award-winning site, PaddedKINK, is the premier destination for plus-size fetish performers, and she has the distinct honor of being the only plus-sized Fleshlight Girl in existence. Her self-produced, self-marketed DVD, “Kelly Shibari is Overloaded,” was nominated for both XBIZ and AVN, not just for the DVD itself but also for its marketing campaign. It was recently also nominated for a Feminist Porn Award. Shibari was named 2013 BBW Performer of the Year award at EXXXOTICA’s fan-based awards, “The Fannys.” For more information, visit www.KellyShibariXXX.com, www.Twitter.com/KellyShibari, and www.Facebook.com/KellyShibari.

Slut Shaming Discussion at CatalystCon East

As I previously mentioned, I will be participating in the inaugural CatalystCon East sexuality conference in Washington D.C., March 15-17.

One of the sessions I will be presenting is titled, Slut Shaming in Sex Positive Communities.  I’ll be speaking alongside 4 amazing women: Carol Queen, Femcar, Serpent Libertine, and Crysta Heart.

Here’s a description of the session from CatalystCon’s website (www.CatalystCon.com):

Does “sex positive” always mean acceptance of the sexual appetites of others or other communities we’re not involved in? Why is it acceptable for sex-positive individuals to bash or criticize the sexual proclivities of others while claiming to be supportive allies? Based on our collective experiences within the sex worker, BDSM, swinger, poly, and queer communities, our panel will lead a discussion that examines some of the ways we’ve witnessed slut-shaming from those we’ve expected it least. Additionally, we’ll discuss why initiating conversations about these incidents can be even more challenging than speaking with folks in the vanilla world. By confronting this issue, we hope to find better ways to stimulate conversations among sex-positive individuals and learn how our words and actions can have an impact on others who lack understanding of our communities.

I believe this is an extremely important issue to discuss, and I am looking forward to the conversations it helps inspire.

xo,
jd