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Underneath It All: A Men’s Guide to Buying Lingerie

June 18, 2013 by Leave a Comment

“You’re really lovely

Underneath it all

You want to love me

Underneath it all”

- No Doubt

 

One of the most rewarding things about creating Guide to Wicked Sex has been serving in Wicked’s overall outreach to couples beyond the traditional retail home video marketplace. We’ve joined the Wicked Sensual Care Collection of luxurious lubricants and enhancers & our romance-driven Wicked Passions DVDs in representing the brand in many places that don’t carry traditional adult DVDs.

 

Sensual lingerie represents another retail environment that’s proven receptive to adult branding. Not surprisingly, I’ve seen an increase in the number of men looking for tips on what to look for when trying to gift their lover with something simultaneously sexy, stylish and comfortable.

 

A healthy theme I’ve seen in these conversations is a desire to flatter and empower their partners while indulging the senses.  As in most areas in life, form serves function here, and any serious search should start with the big questions: Will it be flattering? Will it fit comfortably? And, most importantly, will she FEEL sexy wearing it?

 

At this point, you’ve made notes of her sizes and measurements, and you’ve kept an eye out for preferred fabrics like silk or satin for panties, etc. (I’ll point out here that if circumstances prevent you from being able to get this information, chemises, robes and other nightwear tend to use traditional S, M, L, and  XL sizing, and probably represent your best bets.)

 

Of course, while you were looking in your partner’s underwear drawer for bra and underwear sizes, you also made a note of what they didn’t have; see, if there’s a “master key” to lingerie guidance, this is it: If you step outside her comfort zone, the message sent says more about you than her. You can stay in the zone yet still bring a fresh look to the table by exploring different color schemes or a variation on a style you know she loves.

 

Speaking of colors, feel free to explore a variety of hues; men tend to gravitate toward black, but earn yourself the psychic currency that comes with showing her you pay attention to what she wears throughout her week, and choose accordingly. Similarly, indulge her tastes with some sexy accessories! I have a passion for gloves, and from fishnet arm warmers to lace opera gloves, they provide indispensable and inexpensive ways to make good ensembles great!

 

With both lingerie and accessories, today’s diverse and forward-thinking marketplace offers numerous PETA-approved, “cruelty free” options. With gloves, for example, a pair of beautiful elbow-length pleather opera gloves can be purchased for under $20.00. And in the post-GMO culture in which we live, it’s probably wise to go with the most “organic” fabric choices for lingerie. Silk never goes out of style and, like cotton, it “breathes” and is gentle to the touch.

 

And that’s ultimately what it’s about, isn’t it – gentleness. Stay within our lover’s literal comfort zones by following the master key and easy tips above, and you’ll be “underneath it all” in no time!

 

–Daniel M.

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Lubing Up for Better Sex

June 4, 2013 by Leave a Comment

The addition of personal lubricant can enhance sex, whether you need a little help getting wet or are all ready to go.  Every vagina is different (and special).  Some women get wet from a sexy smile, while others require the assistance of a willing tongue, finger, or toy.  Other women may stay wet for hours, and some ladies have a more limited time frame, regardless of how turned on they may be.  Regardless of your lubrication levels, it’s always a good idea to keep a bottle of your favorite lube by the bed.

According to researchers at the Indiana University’s Center for Sexual Health Promotion, nearly 30% of young women experience vaginal dryness due to everything from stress to medication, which I’d love to touch on in a future blog.  The rest probably experience times when they really want to have sex, but simply can’t get their vagina on the same page.  It’s happened to all of us, and if you’ve ever tried to have sex while dry, you know it’s not a great experience.  Of course, as you get older, vaginal dryness happens to almost everyone as a result of menopause – it’s biology.  Lube will help.

Even if you are already wet, adding lube to the mix will provide more ease and increase sensations and satisfaction.  However, too much can have the opposite effect and make it impossible to generate any type of friction – visualize a slip and slide.  Start with a little bit of lube and add more when the time calls for it.  You’ll know when that is.

As far as what type of lube to use, there are many choices – like with condoms – and not all lubes are created equal, or right for everyone.  While lubes with Glycerin, a thick, sweet-tasting, colorless liquid, are an all-natural option, women prone to yeast infections or men prone to UTIs should consider avoiding it due to the sugar.  If you’re using condoms, make sure to stay away from petroleum or oil-based lubes, as it can cause latex to deteriorate.  Water-based lubricants are a great alternative, though they are sometimes not as thick as the other lubes.  There are also silicone-based lubes, which can work very well.  You must experiment with what is best for you.

There are so many great lubes on the market, but of course I’m a bit biased and love the Wicked Sensual Care collection of personal lubricants.  It includes products with glycerin containing only 100% plant-based derivatives, making each vegan and PETA-compliant.  The line also includes several products with the glycerin-free advantage – hypo-allergenic Sensitive, Jellé, and an entire silicone-based Ultra line.  You will definitely find a lube to make your bedroom time much more enjoyable.

xo,
jd

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On ‘Sex Out Loud’ with Tristan Taormino

May 29, 2013 by Leave a Comment

While in Washington D.C. this past March for CatalystCon, I had the pleasure of being a guest on Tristan Taormino‘s radio show, “Sex Out Loud,” for Voice America Network.  The show recently aired, and I want to share it with you.

To listen to Tristan and me discuss sexual awareness, adult entertainment, education, and more, click here.

Having my own show, “In Bed with jessica drake,” helps me to appreciate the challenge of radio hosting, and Tristan is an amazing host!  I had a great time and look forward to speaking with Tristan again soon… Maybe next time our roles will be reversed.  ;)

xo,
jd

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Speaking to Prof. Constance Penley’s UCSB Students

May 22, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Monday I had the honor of speaking at the University of California at Santa Barbara to a class taught by Professor of Film and Media Studies, Constance Penley. Although I’ve found myself speaking at many universities lately, each experience has been completely different, and this one was exceptionally unique.

The lecture took place in the Pollack Theater, a truly gorgeous venue, boasting the biggest screen I’ve even seen anything I’ve directed on. And speaking of the screen, before I was escorted onto the stage, the first few minutes of my latest starring role, $EX  was shown. As I took my seat onstage and began to introduce myself and talk a bit abut my background and history, I was excited to see everyone paying very close attention – some even taking notes that will come into play later during my time with them.

I did go through the usual introductory information, and after that, I focused on explaining how my series came about. I was describing my formula for writing, casting, and shooting, then we screened Guide to Wicked Sex – Anal Play for Men. As the lights dimmed, I turned sideways to be able to see the screen, but I made sure I was still able to see the student’s reactions as well. On screen they saw my narration, then the amazing interviews my performers gave me, and after that, they saw some demonstrations. Suddenly, in the near dark, on the HUGE theater screen we were treated to all kinds of male anal play – blow jobs with anal exploration, rimming, handjobs, and more. Even as a seasoned professional, I was totally enthralled. I’ve never seen anything I’ve directed on a screen that big, and I’ve never shared it with such a large live audience. Due to time constraints, we stopped short of anal play with toys and strap ons, and when the lights came on, everyone looked as captivated as I felt. Every time I’ve watched porn in a large group, my experience has varied, but I’d never found the sheer curiosity and attention level as I found in Professor Penley’s class.

We concluded our time together with one of the best Q and A sessions ever. This is where the notes they were taking earlier came into play. The questions were insightful, intuitive, and really original. After the questions, I went into the lobby of the theater for awhile to meet the students personally and gift them with copies of the series and also my newest feature movie, $EX. I also answered questions privately, on a one on one basis, and then it was time to leave.

As I drove home and replayed the afternoon in my head, I thought once again about how truly grateful I am – for opportunities like this, for people like Constance, and especially for my awesome performers and crew who work so hard for me and always give me their very best. Hopefully a few of them are reading this right now – and to them and all of you – I say thanks.

xo,

jd
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All the World’s a Stage: A Brief Introduction to Role Playing Communities

May 21, 2013 by Leave a Comment

“All the world’s a stage and we are merely players, performers and portrayers,” Canadian rockers Rush sang by way of Shakespeare, and it’s not an inappropriate starting point for this article. Erotic role playing has been around since the days of the Bard himself, if not longer. Simply put, sexual role playing is any kind of play that has a strong erotic element.  And from online forums to elaborate “real-life” social events, erotic role playing communities offer like-minded friends and lovers ways to explore their innermost fantasies in a safe and supportive way.

How elaborate are such fantasy enactments? The scenarios can be simple in design and execution – a classic college student / substitute teacher fantasy, for example. By the same token, a mutual role play fantasy can be extremely detailed – based on a specific event or era from history, or a favorite novel or film – and require costumes, props, a detailed location, and even a script! From a librarian or astronaut to a cowgirl or policewoman, nearly any scenario may serve as your basis for sexual exploration; the imaginative possibilities are limitless.

And it’s all about the imagination. Your particular fantasy may be “character” driven, and might require the use of ornate costumes, or it could be driven psychologically, requiring you and partner to take on differing attitudes of obedience or passivity.

Such “power differentials” are popular in many organized role playing communities, and allow couples to explore aspects of their sexual relationships they may not feel comfortable accessing otherwise. A popular example (based on its sheer size both in real-life and on the web) would be the “Gorean” communities inspired by John Norman’s epic Gor novels, in which an entire fantasy world is created where adventurous men and beautiful, lusty women explore differing “power positions.”

These relationships can take many forms – from the archetypal authority figure and misbehaving adult scenario to goddess worship in which the female participant is viewed and worshiped as a deity. As in any type of erotic play, communication is key – talk things out beforehand, establish your boundaries, and, if needed, select an agreed-upon safe word before the fun begins.

While role playing communities often flirt with “authority play,” such play itself is rarely limited to traditional master-and-slave relationships. For example, prison fantasies often subvert this paradigm to include relationships based on equality. Scenarios involving fellow inmates, fellow guards, or even fellow wardens allow lovers to practice co-equal authority and tailor it to the specific wants and needs of each participant. That’s ultimately the key to erotic success in a role playing community or relationship – giving voice to your fantasy while helping your lover to do the same.

If this is all new to you, you may want to start out slowly. Get involved in your local Renaissance Fair, dress up in costume and start hitting your friends with foam weapons. Once you begin meeting the people behind the subculture, don’t be surprised when you find the path that’s meant for you!

–Daniel M.

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Keeping Up with Kegels

May 14, 2013 by 1 Comment

Whether you do them for health or pleasure, taking a few minutes a day to do Kegel exercises may be one of the most important activities a woman can do for herself.  If you are unfamiliar with the term “Kegel,” I strongly urge you to take some time and research it on medical sites like MayoClinic.com.

Basically, Kegel exercises are ways to strengthen the pelvic floor through repeated contractions of the muscles in that area.  Performing regular Kegel exercises can reduce involuntary urination, also known as incontinence (never a fun thing), and tighten the vaginal canal (especially beneficial after childbirth).  While I’m choosing to focus on Kegel exercises for women in this blog, men can also perform Kegel exercises to reduce premature ejaculation and increase erection size and potency.

Kegel exercises can be done anywhere at anytime… in fact, I’m doing them now while I write this.  Have you ever stopped urinating midstream?  Then you already know how to do a Kegel exercise.   While sitting or lying down, focus on contracting those same muscles you use to stop peeing.  The result is your pelvic muscles squeezing your urethra and anus.  If your stomach or butt is doing the tightening, then you are working out the wrong part of your body (at least for a Kegel exercise).

When you are certain you are correctly working your pelvic muscles, hold each contraction for 3-4 seconds, then release for the same amount of time.  Repeat 10 or more times per session, 3 times per day – work deep inhales and exhales into it.  Do you feel super relaxed?  That’s an added bonus!

As I mentioned in my recent blog, “An Introduction to Sex Toys,” there are a variety of devices to assist with Kegel exercises, many of which result in a rush of pleasurable sensations throughout the body and mind-blowing orgasms when done correctly.  Ben Wa balls, like Luna Beads from LELO, are one of the most popular types of device.  Upon inserting these weighted balls into your vagina, you begin to instantly engage in Kegel exercises as your pelvic muscles work to keep the balls inside.  Many women experience great pleasure from the feel of the balls moving around.  Though not as discreet as Ben Wa balls, vaginal barbells, such as Betty’s Vaginal Barbell, are phallic shaped devices weighing around one pound and inserted into the vaginal canal.  EVI, a new product from Aneros, stimulates the G-spot when inserted for Kegel exercises, while an additional handle stimulates the clitoris at the same time.

Whether done with the help of devices or on your own, Kegel exercises prove it is possible to mix work and play.  Some of the best orgasms I’ve ever had were a direct result of Kegel exercises – knowing I’m simultaneously bettering my body make it even more arousing.

xo,
jd

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Fantasy

May 6, 2013 by Leave a Comment

I walk inside my front door, and before it closes completely, out of the darkness, he is behind me, breath on my neck, voice in my ear. His hands are smooth, but his grip is rough as he pins me up against the wall. In an instant, his hands are all over me, and before I know what’s happening, my dress is torn off, and I am forced to my knees. 

For me, fantasizing is automatic. I’ve always had an active imagination, and as I became sexually self aware, my deepest desires permeated my thoughts – while masturbating, sometimes during sex, and quite frequently, at random and often inappropriate times of the day. Though at some level there are reoccurring themes, I am hard pressed to explain or describe a fantasy when answering an interview question. Sometimes I don’t want to share it – I want to keep it, selfishly, purely for my own enjoyment. Other times I’m hesitant to offend the person asking – if it’s of the darker variety.

I hear the leather of his belt slide quickly through belt loops, and the sound alone makes me shake with excitement. I lean forward, now on all fours, breathlessly hoping for the stinging sensation on my ass and wondering how his aim will be in the dark, but instead I hear his zipper and feel the leather wrap around my neck, stealing my air but giving me such pleasure as he pulls it tight.

There are fantasies that stem from previous sexual encounters- reliving the experience over and over in your mind. Some people’s fantasies are triggered by a certain smell or sound, or a tactile sensation. I love the smell of leather and latex, the sound and feel of a sharp blow to my ass. Often things emerge from the depths of our subconscious, and not quite knowing or understanding why, we find ourselves drawn to people who look or act or dress a certain way, and this manifests in our fetishes.

His cock is in my face now, so close I can almost taste it. My mouth is watering. I lean forward. It’s literally on the tip of my tongue, but if I move, the belt tightens.

“What do you want?” he asks, bending down to me, his face just inches from mine.

“Your cock.”

“Do you deserve it?” The belt begins to loosen the tiniest bit; I nod.  ”Show me.”

Take time out to get in touch with what turns you on. Having fantasies you play out in your mind can be great for masturbation, even great for mental foreplay, and sharing them with a partner can take you to places you never dreamed you’d go. But it’s also an incredibly vulnerable thing to do… not only does it require trust, it often leaves us more naked than the act itself would. Some fantasies will come true for you, while others are better left unfulfilled, but there’s no denying their importance in our sexual growth and exploration. Be inspired and fantasize.

xo,
jd

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So, You Think You Can Swing? – Part 1

April 29, 2013 by Leave a Comment

The Dos, Don’ts, and Politics of Swinging

 

So, you want to swing?

As a sexually active adult in the 21st Century, you have more opportunities to explore this fascinating lifestyle than ever before. Conventions, clubs and the Internet offer everything from informative seminars on the subject to exotic international resorts dedicated to bringing your richest sexual fantasies to life.

IN THE BEGINNING…

While there’s little agreement on the origin of modern American swinging, Terry Gould’s foundational study The Lifestyle posits the intense bonds forged between military couples during World War II led to popularization of “wife-swapping,” as husbands sometimes made agreements to look after each other’s wives romantically if one were to be killed in combat. Just such a relationship was subtly hinted at in, of all things, Michael Bay’s Matt Damon / Ben Affleck blockbuster Pearl Harbor a few years ago.

Regardless of its origins, public interest in swinging exploded in the 1990s, with suburban couples across the nation discovering there were a host of alternative lifestyles just clicks away.

Given the ease of digital access, it’s important to know what to expect, how best to enter the lifestyle and how to behave (etiquette is all-important). Along the way, I’ll do what I can to torpedo popular myths, dispel misperceptions, and offer some constructive advice.

TALK BEFORE YOU ACT

Despite what our more conservative pundits may insist to the contrary, all tested research suggests swinging is healthy for relationships; in one recent study, fully 60% of the men and women interviewed maintained that their relationships were strengthened by the lifestyle, while only 1.7% claimed negative effects.

In most cases, it was revealed that couples “eased into” swinging by discussing the possibilities on a fantasy level, just to test their partner’s feelings and interest in the topic.

In my opinion, and regardless of whether you and your partner decide to explore the lifestyle, you’ve already scored a “win-win” by having just such a conversation, because anything encouraging couples to open up and speak more frankly about their sexual wants and needs is ultimately a positive thing.

And while it should go without saying, I’m going to lay it out right here in black & white: If there are elements of jealousy, mistrust, or possessiveness in your relationship, make sure you and your partner candidly discuss all the potential ramifications swinging will bring into the relationship. Determine in advance both your personal boundaries, as well as the “lines in the sand” you are willing to draw, as a couple, to keep your relationship happy, healthy, functional and prosperous.

 

LET’S GET TO WORK

Once you’ve discussed the possibilities, established boundaries and found a mutual comfort zone, your quest can take many forms.

Since you’re reading this article, you’ve likely already done a Google search on swinging, only to be swamped with a nearly endless list of options. From professional resorts to social networking services, informal gatherings and traditional swingers’ clubs, I advise you and your partner to go with the option that seems best suited to your particular situation and comfort level.

Many opt to join an online community that will allow them to make their initial connections in cyberspace (just like a traditional singles dating service). This allows one to browse local options, whether it is with a recognized and established club or simply other like-minded couples.

I can’t emphasize enough the need to be as specific as possible about your interests, your desires and, if needed, your boundaries to those you interact with online. And frankly, don’t expect perfect chemistry the first (or second, or even third) time you communicate with other couples. And that’s fine; you and your partner will quickly discover there’s something – and someone – out there for virtually everyone in the world of swinging.

The bottom line is, whether you are simply looking for like-minded couples or interested in attending a large scale swinger’s event and fully immersing yourself in the lifestyle, maintaining a concise yet specific and, above all, honest online presence will prove invaluable as you enter this brave new world.

And remember…whether you strike a lust connection or not the first few times, always be kind and courteous, and never “flame” anyone online. Word travels fast in the world of swinging, just as it does in any established subculture. As the old saying goes, you only get one chance to make a first impression.

Hopefully I’ve given you some useful advice to keep in mind as you and your lover contemplate your options. In Part 2, we’ll look at how to behave and what to expect as you embark on your first swinging adventure!

 

–Daniel M.

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An Introduction to Sex Toys

April 23, 2013 by Leave a Comment

There are thousands of sex toys for sale, some as small as a quarter, and some as big as a person.  If you attempt to purchase a sex toy without some basic knowledge, you may find yourself quickly overwhelmed.  With all the different types, I could write a book on sex toys – and maybe some day I will – but for now, this blog serves to give you an overview of the general categories of sex toys and help you find what works for you.

 

Vibrators – Vibrators are probably what most people think of when they hear “sex toy”.  While the common image is of a slender phallic shape, vibrators are any toys designed to stimulate the body, which is battery operated or electrical.  Sub categories of vibrators include Penetrative, Wands, Bullet, Anal, G-Spot, Rabbits, and even Alarm Clock.

  • Penetrative vibrators are usually phallic shaped and meant for internal stimulation.
  • Wands, like the Hitachi and Body Wand, are larger and meant for external stimulation.
  • Bullets are the smallest vibrators and can be used directly, especially for clitoral stimulation, or inserted into another toy.
  • Anal vibrators can be designed for women or men, and are inserted into the rectum.
  • A curve in G-spot vibrators allows it to better stimulate the female G-spot, while the male equivalent may have the same shape to stimulate the male prostate.
  • Rabbits combine penetrative vibrators with an external stimulator like a bullet.  The external portion of the original Rabbits were shaped like the animal with its ears producing the clitoral stimulation.
  • Proving people will think of anything, Alarm Clock vibrators wake users up in the most enjoyable way.

 

Penetrative Toys – Demonstrating the overlap in a lot of these categories, penetrative toys may include several types of vibrators.  The most common types of penetrative toys are dildos.  There is a lot of confusion between dildos and vibrators – some vibrators can be used as dildos, but dildos are not vibrators because dildos don’t have motors and are only used for penetration.  Additional penetrative toys include double penetration dildos, strap-ons, kegel exercisers, horseshoes, Ben Wa balls, and fuck/sex machines.

  • Usually meant to resemble a penis, dildos don’t vibrate and are made of a silicone rubber for vaginal or anal penetration.
  • Double penetration dildos are fun on both ends and can be used on multiple holes of one person or can be shared.
  • Stap-ons are dildos or butt plugs (see Anal Toys) housed in a harness worn around the hips and pelvis for more realistic intercourse.
  • Kegel exercisers tone and delight all at the same time, building stronger pelvic muscles.
  • Horseshoe toys clearly derive its name from its horseshoe shape.  It is designed to enter the vagina and anus at the same time.
  • Ben Wa balls are hollow metal balls inserted into the vagina for extended periods of time.  Their motion leads to enhanced orgasms.
  • Fuck/sex machines became extra famous after the Northwestern University classroom demonstrations, which made national news.  These toys are generally motor-driven dildos, like a dildo mounted to the bit of a drill or end of a reciprocating saw.

 

Nipple Toys – Men and women have varying degrees of sensitivity in their nipples – some enjoy nipple stimulation, while for others it can be too intense or even painful.  For those who enjoy erotic nipple play, there are nipple clamps and suction devices.  Clamps cause arousal by providing different degrees of pressure.  Suction devices cause nipples to swell and become more sensitive.

 

Anal Toys – In addition to penetrative toys, which can be used for anal insertion, there are also several types of toys specific to anal play, including anal beads, prostate massagers, and butt plugs, all of which should be accompanied with lubrication.

  • Available in various sizes, anal beads are a strand of beads inserted and slowly removed from the anus in order to trigger strong pleasure.
  • Prostate Massagers, like popular brand Aneros, stimulate a man’s prostate, providing pleasure and health benefits.
  • Butt plugs come in a range of sizes, from very small to very large, and everything in between.  They can be used to ease into anal penetration.  Make sure you use butt plugs with a wide base to prevent it from getting stuck.

 

Male Masturbators / Penile Toys – Sometimes a hand just won’t do, and on those occasions, there is a huge variety of male masturbatory toys to choose from, as well as penile toys increasing the pleasure for both parties during sex.  Assisting in his pleasure are Synthetic Vaginas, Cock Rings, Penis Sleeve, Penis Extension, and Cock Harness.

  • Synthetic Vaginas are often referred to as pocket pussies, which are anatomically correct molds of a vagina (often from popular adult performers) and used for masturbation.  A popular variation is the Fleshlight, which I am proud to endorse.  In addition to synthetic vaginas, there are also molds of mouths and anuses for simulated intercourse as well.
  • Cock rings wrap around the shaft of the penis to help prolong an erection.  Some rings come with clitoral stimulator, which may or may not vibrate.  A triple crown is a cock ring with two additional rings for the testicles.
  • Penis sleeves are an adornment a guy can slip on to provide extra stimulation to his partner during intercourse.  Often sporting external bumps and ridges for stimulation, penis sleeves look a bit like penis armor.  A docking sleeve is similar, but open on both ends for two men to use at once – mutual masturbation.
  • Penis extensions increase the length of a man’s penis for the benefit of his partner.  It’s like a short, hollowed-out dildo.
  • Often associated with BDSM play, cock harnesses fit around the penis and scrotum and help maintain erections.

 

Dolls – Sex dolls are masturbation devices, which go beyond mere physical needs.  The anatomically correct life-size doll helps stimulate on an emotional level as well by appealing to user’s fantasies.  One of the most popular brands is RealDoll, which includes a line of several of the Wicked girls.

 

A Cautionary Note About Sex Toys:

Before we knew how harmful it was, many sex toys were made out of Jelly Latex, a substance containing polyvinyl chloride (PVC), which is toxic to your body.  Phthalates are another harmful type of chemicals used in the production of many toys.  When purchasing sex toys, it’s extremely important to make sure they are PVC-free and Phthalate-free.  Safe materials to purchase include silicone, glass, stainless steel, and Pyrex, and even though they cost a bit more money, they are worth it in the long run.

 

What provides one person with pleasure may not for another, but breathe easy because every day, new, creative ideas are being imagined and produced.  If you have yet to find the right toy(s), chances are it will be here soon… or maybe you can create it yourself.  In a future blog, I will share my 10 favorite sex toys and why I chose them.

 

xo,
jd

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Slut Shaming: My Story

April 17, 2013 by Leave a Comment

In June 2011, I took part in the first Slut Walk after hearing of it through certain friends in the sex positive community. Earlier that year in February, female university students in Toronto were warned by a police officer not to ” dress like sluts,” so they wouldn’t be sexually assaulted on campus. In response, I met up with a fairly large group of women – and some men – in West Hollywood, California, and walked proudly among them along Santa Monica Blvd. dressed in high heels, tight black leggings, and a tiny shirt, all in protest of the misuse of the word slut.

You’ll notice I say misuse, not use.

I don’t think the issue is using words like slut or whore. It’s the shame we attach to them. It’s the ever-present double standard – if a male sleeps with a number of women, it’s an accomplishment, but if a woman does it, it’s shameful. She’s easy—a slut. Unfortunately, it’s not limited to the male perspective – women are guilty of it as well.

While in high school, I had my first experience with love. J was my first boyfriend. Tall, athletic, tan, and blonde. In an instant, hormones raged between us, and I lost all sense of control. We wanted to be together everywhere, all the time. Attending separate schools and parental intervention made this tough, so we both snuck out at every opportunity. We kissed, we made out, pet heavily, and dry humped until we were raw. We clumsily fumbled through awkward phone sex. We “borrowed” cars; we skipped school. We were uncontrollable. Eventually, between his begging and pleading, and hormones setting my pants on fire, one night after a dance, we had ferocious sex up against a wall behind my school.

My sex education growing up was really limited. I never recall my father acknowledging sex at all, and my mother explained the words PENIS and VAGINA in a way that was clinical at best. That being said, I was always very curious and cautious, even at 14 and 15. I read about sex in bookstores and encyclopedias. I knew about safe sex, so when I lost the battle of willpower versus raging hormones up against the red brick wall, it was with a condom. I wasn’t so smart about concealing the evidence, however, and not long after, my mother discovered poorly hidden shorts and panties stained with blood, which could only have attested to one thing. I was thrown into the car, and driven immediately to her doctor, where, in between her screaming at me and interrogating me, I was tested for every sexually transmitted disease, pregnancy, and even HIV. I was humiliated. She said I was stupid, called me a slut, and though I didn’t know the meaning it of it or the implications it would have on me, I was shamed.

Please don’t take that to mean I stopped having sex. I didn’t.  I became sneakier about it, and at the same time, I grew a deep resentment for my mother. Though I did view sex as slightly shameful for a short time afterward, I decided its risk was well worth the reward. Becoming an adult, I quickly grew to learn there was no shame in sex or my body or the pleasure derived from it. I was very headstrong and determined as a child (not that this surprises anyone who knows me today), and I made it my business to understand sex more… and now it’s my business to make sure other people are able to understand sex a little better and to know there’s no shame in it. No shame in our bodies, what they do, how they feel, what we like to do or have done to them.

The only way we can alter the course of slut or sex shaming is to STOP doing it.

This means mothers and daughters, strangers, friends, enemies, frenemies, and everyone in between needs to step back and remember a time they have felt it in their lives, and then actively choose not to repeat it.

–jd

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